


those gleaming eyes and freckled smile

by wyoheartsmusic



Series: SKAM Fic Week [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: (more or less), Accidental Dating, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Coming Out, Cuddling & Snuggling, Drinking, Fluff, Hugs, M/M, Mentions of Suicide Attempt, Minor Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen, SKAM Fic Week, Sharing Clothes, background Sana Bakkoush/Yousef Acar, minimal angst but it snuck in there even though i planned this to be all fluff, sooo many of them, soooo a little bit of angst, well let's be really i gave up on that after the first chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-12-15 07:17:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 34,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11801142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyoheartsmusic/pseuds/wyoheartsmusic
Summary: Elias drinks too much and Eskild just wants to be there for him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Halla!  
> SKAM Fic Week is here!!! I am so excited for it and my first time posting something so please be kind.  
> This was supposed to be way shorter (and much more fluffy) than it turned out to be in the end. I'm gonna post this in two parts because Elias just has so much to say and has to go through a bit more until he gets his happy end. But he will get it, promise!!! (I will post the second one sometime next week when I hopefully managed to participate in the rest of fic week as well)
> 
> I took some liberties with the fake/accidental dating trope and it's only really mentioned briefly (oops) but I hope you still enjoy it!  
> The title is from the song Colour Me by Juke Ross. (It's a really pretty song, I suggest you listen to it.)
> 
> Lots of love <3

Yousef is the good Muslim of their friend group. And he’s not even Muslim anymore. Now that Elias slowly wakes up with a pounding head and his mouth feeling like something furry crawled in there and died, he wishes he was more like Yousef.

Instead of opening his eyes right away, Elias turns from his back to his side, burying his nose in the slightly rough material of the sofa he apparently slept on. _Huh_. It probably makes sense that he didn’t go home drunk out of his mind last night because his parents would have probably killed him but he does wonder where he ended up at.

The smell of lavender is in his nose and none of the boys’ rooms smell even close to this good and fresh. Elias feels like if he thinks too hard about where exactly he is, his head might explode so he simply doesn’t let himself think and instead presses his nose deeper into the fabric, the smell actually soothing his hangover a little bit.

He drifts back to sleep and only wakes up hours later when his stomach suddenly churns and he lunges off the sofa, blindly running for the bathroom and very glad for everyone involved that he finds the right door on the first attempt.

“Are you okay?”

Elias grabs some toilet paper to wipe the sweat off his forehead, flushing the toilet before opening his eyes — if he looked at what he had thrown up, he would just do it again — to stare wide-eyed at the head that had emerged from behind the shower curtain.

“Well, this is new…” The boy — man? — says when it becomes clear that Elias is not able to say anything in that moment. There are suds of shampoo running down the side of shower boy’s face but Elias is more distracted by those plush pink lips and the kind brown eyes.

Elias gulps and croaks through the aching of his throat, “What is?”

A big smile suddenly blooms on his face as he replies, “That I have a cute boy in the bathroom with me while I’m naked and he is half-dressed, clearly not about to join me.”

Elias tries to process the words but it’s too much for the state he’s in right now so he just closes his eyes and focuses on his breathing.

“Wait,” Suddenly, the guy sounds scandalised, “Are you— _fy faen_! Did Even and Isak actually take someone else home with them? Oh wow! I didn’t think they had it in them, especially Isak! I’m such a proud dad!” He sighs dramatically. Elias opens his eyes to squint them at shower boy instead, trying to figure out what he is talking about so he sees the movement behind the curtain where he presumably puts his hand over his heart.

Elias still stares at him somewhat dumbfounded, not processing at all what the matter is. So the guy knows Even apparently, Elias pretends his heart doesn’t lurch painfully. Even, whose boyfriend is Isak, who— “Hva faen! I did not sleep with Isak and Even! What!” He exclaims indignantly, regretting it a second later when he lifts his hands up to press against his head in an attempt to keep it from exploding.

Shower boy winces and eyes him with pity. “Okay, got it. No threesome. You should try it sometime, though, it’s fun! Anyway… you clearly had a rough night. I’d suggest that you could join me because showers always help — especially if it’s two people together — but you look like you need some tea or something first. So just feel right at home and take whatever you need from the kitchen,” He chatters away.

Elias does hear maybe five percent of what he said because his stomach is doing really uncomfortable things that could possibly mean that he has to throw up again but he nods anyway and even manages a small smile. There’s just something about shower boy that makes Elias feel a little lighter than he usually does with a hangover. “Thanks—“ He mutters, stopping short when he doesn’t know what to call him.

“Eskild,” He supplies cheerily, before he winks and disappears behind the shower curtain again.

Only when the water starts back up again and Eskild begins humming _I Will Always Love You_ does Elias realise the oddness of the situation. He literally just had a conversation with a naked guy and it didn’t freak him out like he thought it should; to the contrary, Elias wonders what he would have done if Eskild had loosened the grip on the curtain accidentally to expose more of himself.

Elias groans, hiding his face behind his hands. This was too much to think about right now.

“Are you okay, cutie?” Eskild chirps before going back to humming.

Elias doesn’t reply and instead gets back up on wobbly feet, making the mistake of looking in the slightly foggy mirror to see his sickly pale complexion. He can’t wait for that shower Eskild talked about but first tea and maybe some dry toast.

Elias shuffles into the kitchen, not caring that he is still in only his boxer shorts or how he got to that state of undress, his mind solely focusing on the task of getting some water to boil and finding the cupboard where the kollektiv keeps their tea.

“Yes!” He cheers when he is successful, grinning when he finds a customised cup with Eskild’s head on it, rainbow flags painted on his cheeks and a dopey smile on his lips. Elias drops the tea bag in it, reaching for the kettle when the water boils.

It’s the same moment that he hears someone enter the kitchen so he grabs another cup, asking, “Would you like some tea too?”

“Uh…”

Elias turns around when even from that small sound he can tell that it is not Eskild who’s in the kitchen with him now; the voice is far too deep for it to be the other man’s. “Oh, uhm. Hi,” Elias stumbles a little over his words. He’s faced by a Latino guy who eyes him somewhat warily, eyes scanning him from head to toe while his brow furrows more and more when his gaze seemingly lingers on the waistband of Elias’ boxers.

Elias lifts his chin a little bit and squares his shoulders. He might feel like shit and has the worst hangover but he knows how good-looking he is and he doesn’t want to be judged by a stranger even though Elias might be pottering around his kitchen as if it was his own.

“You’re with Eskild?” He asks, biting his bottom lip.

Elias shrugs. So far it seems like this guy, Eskild and Isak live in kollektivet and Elias had most contact with Eskild as of now. “Yeah,” He tells the stranger, who still stares at Elias in an attempt to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible.

“Elias, cutie,” Eskild chooses that awkward stare-off moment to join them. (Elias is a little relived to be honest.) With his stupid nickname and his stupid pouty lips and stupid— goddamn, that was a gorgeously defined torso.

Elias feels a little (very) stupid to stare at the pale planes of Eskild’s body but it isn’t really his fault that he decided to join them in only his — tight — boxer shorts.

“Oh, hey Henrik! You woke up!” Eskild barely pays the guy any attention as he brushes past him and joins Elias by the counter. Eskild winks and raises his hand to flutter his fingers against Elias’ shoulder in a comforting gesture when he asks, “How are you feeling, cutie?”

Elias just blinks at him before he catches himself and waves at the cups on the counter awkwardly, “Tea?”

“I should go,” Henrik, who is still hovering in the doorway, clears his throat and shuffles his feet awkwardly.

Eskild shoots him another glance. “Bye, Henrik,” He waves his hand dismissively, “You can find the door on your own?”

“Enrique,” He mumbles dejectedly before leaving them alone.

Elias raises his eyebrows at Eskild. “Is that how you treat all your hook-ups?” He isn’t sure why he’s so interested in the answer to that question.

Eskild grins mischievously. “Only those who expect more out of this than I am willing to give,” He makes a grimace when he whispers conspiratorially, “He wanted to _cuddle_. I don’t do that with hook-ups, it’s bad enough that he stayed the night. I usually don’t let guys stay in my bed if we don’t fuck.”

Something uncomfortable is slithering in Elias’ stomach and he’s pretty sure it has nothing to do with his hangover. He grabs his tea in hopes that it will calm his stomach and so it gives him an excuse not to reply.

Eskild doesn’t notice how quiet Elias is and just goes on, “Anyway, it’s probably safe to say that he won’t want to hook up again seeing as he thinks we’re in a relationship.”

Elias furrows his brow, wondering, “Why would he not want to hook up anymore if he thinks you’re in a relationship?” He takes another sip of his tea.

Eskild starts laughing and it takes him a moment to be able to reply, “Not he an I, silly. _You_ and me!”

Naturally, Elias almost chokes on his tea. “What?” He croaks with a red face and burning lungs.

Eskild’s laughter turns into giggles as he steps closer to Elias to rub a hand over his back to soothe the coughing. It does its job because the touch is warm and leaves a nice tingling behind. “I thought you did it on purpose or something,” Eskild muses, elaborating immediately when he sees Elias’ confused expression, “To confirm his question so it was easy for me to throw in a couple nicknames and touches which I’m sure got him off my case.”

Elias groans. There’s too much happening this morning that he can’t process. “Of course I did it on purpose. I thought he was your roommate and I explained that I stayed the night because I knew you,” He says weakly.

“You didn’t use that many words with Enrique, did you?” Eskild pats his shoulder almost condescendingly but Elias wouldn’t mind if he kept his hand there, “He came to the conclusion, seeing as we’re in similar states of undress, that we must be boyfriends and you gave him confirmation.”

Elias shakes his head, trying to make sense of this. “Why would he think that when he’s the one who spent the night with you?”

Eskild walks over to the fridge, looking through it completely unperturbed. Elias kind of misses him close to him. “Who knows? Maybe I’m an asshole who fucks other people while my boyfriend is away for the night and then I have a shower quickie with said boyfriend before the boyfriend and the hook-up awkwardly meet in the kitchen. But I’m not in the guy’s head,” He shrugs, “Anyway, would you like breakfast, boyfriend?”

Elias has known Eskild for maybe half an hour but he already knows that it is futile to bring up the fact that he doesn’t like being called that. And, if he is really honest with himself, he doesn’t mind it all that much. The feeling of belonging to someone even if it is only artificial is a really good feeling. “I probably can’t eat more than dry toast,” He admits. (He doesn’t even want to think about the clear picture Eskild just put in his head.)

Eskild beams at him. “How awesome is it then that I am the best at making dry toast?”

Elias laughs. He slumps down at the kitchen table, slowly finishing his tea as he watches Eskild potter around the kitchen for a bit before his head gets too heavy and he rests it on his arms on the table.

He only looks up again when Eskild nudges him gently, gesturing at the plate loaded with toast now in front of Elias. For himself, he has a bowl of yogurt with granola and fruits — if Elias felt any better, he’d probably enjoy a breakfast like that as well.

“So… had a wild night?” Eskild asks conversationally after a moment, “You were so out of it when they brought you here.”

Elias tentatively takes a bite of toast, chewing slowly and carefully before he answers Eskild. Though when he speaks eventually, he decides to press, “ _Who_ brought me here?”

“Sana, Noora and your friend… mmh, what’s his name again? The one with the luscious hair?”

Elias’ first instinct is to say _Mikael_ because he’s the one with the good hair in their squad but seeing as Mikael would probably have been in a similar state to Elias’, he instead says, “Oh, Yousef?”

Eskild nods enthusiastically. “Right!” He exclaims, “That was his name! He’s a cute one… not as cute as you but cute!”

Elias’ heart lurches and he focuses all his attention on picking apart a slice of toast. He can’t quite believe that this ginger-haired, beaming ray of sunshine makes him feel those things. “I didn’t do or say anything stupid, did I?” He is almost pleading.

Eskild scrunched up his nose, chewing his food thoughtfully before replying, “Well, you did puke on your clothes so we took them off you. I put them in the washing machine by the way, so they’ll be as good as new!”

Elias groans, ready to fling himself out of the window behind him out of sheer embarrassment. When he looks back at Eskild, his face is suddenly full of concern.

“You’re not in some kind of gay crisis, are you? I have experience with that and I could help you? Our little baby gay is much happier now that he’s out of the closet!” Eskild implores, reaching across the table to pat Elias’ hand comfortingly.

It takes a moment but Elias puts two and two together, realising that Eskild is talking about Isak and then that he thinks Elias’ excessive drinking has to do with him possibly not being able to come to terms with his sexuality, which— is only partly true.

The toast helps him feel a little better, his head pounding a little less and his stomach churning not as much anymore. His heart is pounding, though. To cover up his insecurity about Eskild’s words, Elias raises an eyebrow and smirks when he announces, “I’m not having a gay crisis, _boyfriend_.”

He’s smug when it makes Eskild’s jaw drop, having not expected this. He feels even more accomplished when a pretty pink colours Eskild’s cheeks. (Elias guesses Eskild is not usually one to blush.) They’re only dusted lightly in freckles, barely visible and suddenly Elias wants to know what they look like in the summer, more prominent and gorgeous and he wants to learn the position of each one of them by heart.

“So, Eskild,” It becomes clear that Eskild isn’t saying anything anytime soon so Elias clears his throat — also to shake off his own thoughts —, breaking the silence, “Tell me about you. What do you do?”

Only when Eskild retracts his hand does Elias realise they were still connected. He misses the warmth of the other man’s touch immediately. “I’m going to UiO for psychology. My last year,” He supplies easily.

Elias takes another bite of his toast and grimaces. Ignoring his sensitive stomach, he reaches out to pull Eskild’s bowl closer, eating a big spoon of the yogurt. “Psychology! That’s so cool!” He says eventually, “It must be really stressful for you right now, huh?”

Eskild shrugs, “It’s less stress than I thought it would be and I do have my ways to relieve some of it.” Apparently, he’s back to his usual self because he winks at Elias so it’s obvious what exactly he means.

“I’m sure you do,” Elias laughs which turns into a fond smile when Eskild stands up to fix himself another bowl of yogurt.

He looks over his shoulder to ask, “And what about you?”

Elias shifts in his seat, not sure how to reply. He’s taking a gap year but a lot of people he usually tells very obviously think he’s just lazy. They don’t get that his last year at Bakka was a wild and emotional ride; they don’t understand that he and the other boys _needed_ that break after everything that happened with Even and that Elias has a hard time trying to figure out what he wants from life. It seems so easy for everyone else but it really isn’t for Elias. In the end, he just blurts out, “I’m taking some time off.” There goes the chance of ever making a good impression on Eskild.

Eskild squints his eyes, and Elias prepares for the judgement. But it never comes. Instead, the older man wants to know, “Why do you feel bad about that?” Apparently, he can read him like an open book.

“People keep telling me I’m slacking off,” Elias mumbles and it’s rare that he shows so much vulnerability with someone. Maybe it’s easier because he doesn’t really know Eskild. He wiggles around in his chair uncomfortably, eyes set on the bowl in front of him.

“Hey,” Eskild’s voice is gentle and there’s his hand again, coming to rest on top of Elias’, “That’s nothing to be ashamed of! I’m sure you have your reasons and no one has a right to put you down for it!”

Elias feels the strange urge to start crying and he grits his teeth to stop himself. “Thank you,” He manages to choke out and Eskild squeezes his hand.

“It’s okay. My roommate Linn is also taking a gap year, you should meet her sometime!” Eskild tells him, not showing any indication that he plans to let go of Elias’ hand. Elias doesn’t mind one bit.

“I’d love to,” Elias admits, mostly because that suggests that he and Eskild would have to meet again. It still feels like he has to explain himself so he adds, “It’s not that I’m doing nothing. I have a YouTube channel with my friends…”

Eskild’s expression lights up immediately. “Oh! A man of the fine arts, that’s a man after my own heart! You gotta give me your number so you can send me the link!”

Elias doesn’t point out that he could just tell him the name of the channel now because he _wants_ Eskild to have his number. He also tries not to be too hung up on the _man after my own heart_ because that would simply be too much for his own poor heart. Elias didn’t realise before that he is capable of feeling so much. “Okay,” He whispers, smiling down at his yogurt.

Eskild doesn’t take his hand away from on top of Elias’ for the remainder of breakfast.

 

It’s hours that the two of them spend at the kitchen table, talking about the most random stuff before Eskild eventually leads Elias back to the bathroom, handing him a towel and his freshly washed jeans but one of Eskild’s own shirts.

“I can wear my own shirt, you don’t have to lend me anything,” Elias reminds him, “Obviously they’re washed by now, right?” He pointedly looks at the jeans.

Eskild just shakes his head and sends him another wink. “I just want to know what you’d look like in my clothes, cutie.”

Elias stares at him dumbfounded. This is not what he expected, which is stupid because it feels like he knows Eskild much longer than only for today and he knows how flirty the older man is and that he takes every opportunity he gets to flirt. But this feels like so much more. “Oh,” Is the only thing he manages to say.

The shower he takes is long and he feels reborn after having washed off all the grime. When he slips into Eskild’s shirt it’s— really soft, like it’s been worn a million times already and it feels like a warm hug. There’s that lavender smell again and Elias can’t stop grinning. He stares at himself in the mirror for a long time, laughing about the Jesus print.

When he goes back to the kitchen and Eskild sees him, his eyes widen and he presses his hands against his cheeks. “Faen, look at you!” He blurts out.

Elias chuckles, “There’s a Jesus on my shirt.”

Momentarily, Eskild’s expression drops. “Is that weird for you? Are you allowed to wear that? Shit, is this going to _hurt_ you?”

Elias can’t help but snort. “No, Eskild. It’s not gonna hurt me, hva faen? I like it. It’s funny!” There’s a pause that turns slightly awkward before Elias says, “Well, I should leave. I’ve probably overstayed my welcome anyway.”

“ _Neineinei_ , it was a pleasure to have you here, cutie!” Eskild is quick to reassure. He shuffles his feet a bit and looks almost bashful.

Elias smiles warmly. “Thank you. Thanks for putting up with me and stuff… I’ll send you the link later, okay?”

Eskild returns the smile just as enthusiastically and then they’re saying goodbye, hugging each other and for a second Elias thinks his mind is playing tricks on him because it feels like they’re holding onto each other a little bit longer than strictly necessary. But that can’t be because Eskild made it very clear that he doesn’t do more than hook-ups and anyway, Elias doesn’t _expect_ him to.

So on his way to the tram stop he keeps telling himself that he and Eskild are nothing more than maybe friends and whatever vibes he got from the older man (the terms of endearment and general open and touchy-feely attitude) were simply part of Eskild’s personality.

Naturally, that doesn’t matter when he’s standing in the tram, looking down on himself and the lavender-smelling t-shirt that, if Elias has any say in it, he wants to keep forever. He’s aware of the woman across from him silently judging him; maybe he’s too happy for her liking because she looks absolutely annoyed with everything around her or it’s because he doesn’t fit into what the typical Norwegian person looks like and she just waits for him to blow up the tram. Any other day, Elias would send her a withering glare but right now he couldn’t care less for sullen and possibly xenophobic people.

Before he departs the tram, he shoots the woman his most brilliant smile and tells her to have a nice day which she acknowledges with a taken aback expression before she mumbles a quick, “Takk,” and Elias thinks he even sees the smallest upturn of her lips before he’s outside and the tram rushes off.

On his way to the house, Elias sends the link for their YouTube channel to Eskild with a giddy feeling in his stomach. On second thought, he adds, _this is Elias btw_ , in case it isn’t clear enough. He doesn’t really expect a reply anyway ( _hopes_ maybe, but that’s a different story) as the chances are that Eskild was friendly towards him simply because he was hosting Elias’ hungover ass.

Sana is playing basketball in the little court they have by their house when he arrives there. “Halla!” He calls out, watching with a proud smile how the ball sails through the air in a perfect arc and then through the hoop.

She turns around, smirking and raising an eyebrow. “Hei. Back from the dead, huh?” She teases.

Elias rolls his eyes, about to reply something along the lines of how it wasn’t that bad but thinking better of it because Sana brought him over to the kollektiv and she saw how bad it was. “I guess,” He simply ends up saying, catching the basketball she throws at him. He bounces it a couple of times before aiming at the hoop and— missing it completely. “It’s the hangover,” He mutters.

“Right,” Sana snorts, catching the ball before strolling over to the swing set. 

Elias joins her and he’s pretty sure there’s a _talk_ waiting for him.

At first, though, she just looks at him, eyeing him up and down. “Nice shirt,” She comments, her dimples popping.

There’s something in his sister’s eyes that makes him feel like she _knows_ something that not even he himself has figured out yet. But he’s probably just paranoid. There isn’t really anything to know. (Right?)

They sit in silence for a while, just swinging back and forth a little before Sana speaks up again, “Mamma and pappa think you spent the night at Yousef’s.”

It was clearly only to ease into whatever is coming next. Yousef is always the excuse because their parents trust him and have no reason to think that they did anything else than what they said they would do so there is no need for Sana to actually mention it. 

Elias doesn’t _want_ to lie to his parents but as amazing and open as they are about most things, they would not condone their son’s drinking habits. (It is bad enough that Elias manages to get around going to mosque almost every week.)

“Did you have a fun night?” His sister wants to know, her intense gaze almost burning a hole in the side of his skull.

Elias scuffs his feet against the dirt on the ground. He is certain he doesn’t need to mention that he doesn’t remember most of it. The fact that Yousef was worried enough about him to call Sana — because how else would she have been there to bring him to kollektivet? — says enough.

She nods thoughtfully. Her voice is quiet but firm when she continues, “It’s the third time this week something like this happened. And obviously it gets worse if Yousef can’t take care of you on his own anymore. Elias, talk to me.”

“What do you want me to say?” Elias can’t help snapping at her. He’s irritated and hungover, really tired and most of all scared of what she might _make_ him say.

Sana, as always, is completely unfazed by his attitude. “If you’re sad, I’m sad. Remember? I just want to help!” She tells him calmly.

Elias looks over at her; despite feeling like shit, he manages a small smile. “I’m not sad.” Not really anyway. As if on cue, his phone vibrates in his pocket and his heart skips a beat. _Eskild_. Maybe. Possibly. Hopefully. He doesn’t dare reach to check immediately though because it might make his sister even more suspicious. He heaves a sigh and admits, “There’s just a lot going on right now.”

“Like what?” Sana presses, averting her eyes so he gets a moment to himself — or at least the illusion that he is to himself.

The question puzzles Elias. How is he supposed to put into words the whole chaos of what he is feeling? Where can he start and would Sana even understand what it feels like to lose one of your closest friends from one day to the next because he thinks he’s not worth it? How can he explain that he’s so fucking scared of their parents’ reaction once they find out that there is an actual chance he won’t give them what they always wished for him: a wife and kids; everything that Nasir gets to have with Jamilla soon enough. Is there even a way to bring all that up to his sister or a way to voice how much he misses his late night talks with Even when his brain was sleep addled and he didn’t care so much about what he was saying and Even seemed to be the only person in the world who understood him. How can he speak out loud about any of this when his biggest fear is that he will lose yet another best friend because he knows how Yousef reacted when Even kissed him while being manic, even though deep down he realises that those fears are unfounded but _he can’t help them_. And why can’t he just be normal?

Out of nowhere, because she wouldn’t be Sana if she didn’t catch on, she murmurs, “I think he misses you too, you know? Maybe try to reach out again…”

Elias can’t fathom how that can be the truth. There are a million unanswered texts he (and the other boys as well) sent to Even, telling him they still loved him and wanted to be his friends still. “I don’t know what else I could say to make him change his mind. He doesn’t want anything to do with us anymore. And it hurts and it’s fucked up but maybe I should just get over it and move on,” Elias spits out roughly, refusing to let other emotions than that small flickering anger take over. He’s a _man_ and he’s not going to cry in front of his little sister.

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Sana insists and Elias is pretty sure her gaze is boring into his skull again but he doesn’t look back at her.

Does he really know that?

Sana heaves a sigh at his reluctance to talk and continues, “He has Isak now, they think about moving in together. He seems _happy_. I know I don’t know the whole story but whatever happened between you guys, I think he’s ready to move on from that. He asked about you the other day.”

At that, Elias whips his head around after all. That came unexpected. Suddenly it doesn’t seem so unlikely anymore that they could end up talking again sometime in the future. If Even asked about them, that has to mean something right? And then his thoughts turn dark again right after because Even wanted to _die_ after what happened. Could you really move on from something like that? “He did?” Elias hates how his voice breaks a little. He hates how hopeful he has suddenly become again.

Sana catches on to his mood and claps her hands to her thighs before standing up. “Talk to Even, Elias. And now… would you like to get your ass whooped by your little sister?”

Elias hopes Sana knows how grateful he is for her. “Dream on! I’ll crush you!” He is glad for the distraction and he knows there is literally zero chance he will win against Sana in basketball, it is kind of his duty to object her on that.

They play for an hour or so and it is a relief how easy it is to just focus on the game and forget a little about all his problems.

 

Later, when they go inside, Elias zips his hoodie up because he’s pretty sure that their parents won’t appreciate the irony of him wearing a t-shirt with a Jesus print on. (Maybe he’s not giving them enough credit but he also doesn’t want to possibly start a pointless argument.)

He’s relieved when he can escape to his room quickly after greeting their parents and as he falls on his bed, he remembers that there is a text waiting for him that might or might not be from Eskild.

Sure enough there’s a couple new messages from the older boy. The first one is just, _Takk, cutie_ and then Elias’ smile gets ridiculously wide as he keeps reading and at some point he’s so embarrassed by his own reaction that he hides his face against his pillows but there’s giggles bubbling up in his throat and he knows he has never felt like this before and maybe it’s wrong but he doesn’t want it any other way.

_i’m binge-watching all of your videos_

_can i just say that you’re adorable?_

_gosh i can’t stop looking at and listening to you_

_you’re so funny and smart wow_

Elias has half a mind to go back to kollektivet and just spend the rest of the day with Eskild. The morning was so nice and it felt a little bit like an escape because he didn’t have to think about his life and problems all too much. But Eskild probably has different things to do than entertain him so he settles for just sending a reply.

_you’re making me blush_

It’s much more bold than anything he would usually write but Eskild was pretty forward with his flirting so maybe it isn’t too daring after all. Eskild’s reply less than a minute later is proof for that.

_good ;)_

_miss me already? ;)_

Now he’s just being blatant. Elias is maybe a little intimidated. He’s never been in a situation like this. Or, he’s been in situations like this with girls that he cared about as far as it kept up appearances but it is different with Eskild. He’s about to throw caution to the wind and make it very clear what he’s feeling but then Eskild sends another message that makes him freeze.

_oh! i’m watching one of your first videos now_

_i didn’t know you’re friends with Even!_

And suddenly, the bad feeling catches up with Elias, somehow interfering with what Elias considered a safe haven only a minute ago.

Elias sighs and exits out of the conversation with Eskild. His eyes catch sight of a different text conversation. He clicks on it and is faced with his last message to Even from about a week ago. It was a drunken, misspelt mess that Elias would feel embarrassed about if it weren’t the hundredth time that has happened and anyway, chances are that Even blocked his number anyway.

It doesn’t keep him from sending a simple _Halla_ now because his conversation with Sana is still stuck in his head and he just misses Even so fucking much, okay? It’s not like there will be a reply but at least, if Even hasn’t blocked his number, he will know that Elias still cares.

Eskild has also reminded Elias of the start of Hey Briskeby when Even was still part of it and because he’s apparently a masochist, he goes to their YouTube channel and clicks on one of the few videos that has Even in it. He hasn’t seen it in so long and hearing Even’s voice again, even through shitty speakers, makes Elias just miss him more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long! I just didn't find the time to properly write but now it's finally here and well, what can I say? Elias doesn't stop talking so there's actually going to be another chapter after this *hides*
> 
> we're gonna have some more Even in this one and can i just say that their friendship made me tear up while writing this? 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this, kudos and comments are always appreciated and make my day :)
> 
> All the love <3

Sometimes Elias hates himself. It’s in the moments where he resents both Yousef and Even; Yousef because he had such a strong reaction to Even trying to kiss him and Even because he chose to kiss Yousef in the first place. Because in his head, Elias feels like things would look completely different now if Even had kissed _him_ instead. He wouldn’t have pushed Even away. If Even had kissed Elias, he might still have his best friend to talk to. But Even kissed Yousef and the easiest way for Elias to feel better at least for the moment is alcohol.

Alcohol makes him forget. And that’s what he needs, especially now after he has spent the last two days re-watching their old Hey Briskeby videos over and over again. He was scooped up in his room, not communicating with anyone. Occasionally, he glanced at his phone but he’s completely ignored even the notifications from Eskild when he realised that Even can’t even reply to a simple _hi_.

(And yes, he knows he’s being ridiculous and that Even might very well have blocked his number but he’s really fucking angry by now, mostly because he hates that he resents Even for not having kissed him when he _knows_ he doesn’t even have feelings for Even like that.)

Elias doesn’t even ask his friends to join him this time around. He just heads out, buying himself a bottle of vodka that he drinks way too fast and he’s dizzy and drunk but he still wants to head to a club. Only that when he tries to get up, he physically _can’t_ so he mutters a couple curses under his breath and then falls back in the grass, staring up at the darkening sky.

He’s not exactly sure how long he’s been lying there, and maybe he dozed off a couple of times because the next time he consciously blinks up, the sky is littered with a couple of stars that shine strong enough to overpower Oslo’s artificial lights.

Elias feels for his phone somewhere in his jeans pocket and breathes a sigh when he finally finds it. He holds it up close to his face, squinting his eyes against the brightness as he goes through his text conversations. He has half a mind to click into the one with Even but then catches sight of Eskild’s latest one from this morning, a single sad _:(_ that asks if he said anything wrong and that’s the reason Elias doesn’t reply. And well yes, he kind of did because he brought up Even and that’s what made Elias end up somewhere in a park, drunk out of his mind. But Elias would never really blame Eskild for that; it’s his own damn fault that he’s so fucked up.

_yuas_ he tells Eskild eventually, answering the last text he consciously read before he shut the older boy out completely.

Elias’ heart hammers painfully in his chest and he almost regrets drinking most of the bottle of vodka on his own but the last time he was this drunk, he met Eskild and this couldn’t be all bad, right?

When his phone vibrates against his stomach, he scrambles to grab it, but it slides into the grass and he’s blindly trying to locate it which turns out to be more complicated than he thought it would be. But then the phone is in his hand finally and he reads Eskild’s reply.

_what are you saying?_

_yee,. misy o_

Eskild would surely understand that Elias didn’t mean to ignore him, that he has a hard time figuring his life out and what it means to feel about a boy what he feels for Eskild. He wouldn’t hate Elias now that he admitted that he actually does miss him, right?

_Elias, cutie, are you drunk?_

_Are you safe?_

_y_

Eskild still calls him _cutie_ so that has to mean something. Elias giggles helplessly. If Eskild were here right now, maybe they could make out a little bit. Elias wouldn’t mind that. He wants to tell Eskild that but then there is a new text coming in.

_Can you tell me where you are? Can I come get you?_

_I’m a little worried, Elias_

Eskild actually wants to see him! Elias is over the moon.

_dt kno wger i m_

_cum gt ee {3_

It takes a moment for Eskild to reply and Elias’ stomach sinks. Maybe the heart was too much?

_Elias, can you send me your location? Can you do that?_

Elias furrows his brow. Can’t he just _come_? He’s exasperated because he wants Eskild _now_ and why is he wasting time with texting? But then Eskild let’s Elias that he can’t get him if he doesn’t know where he is, so Elias somehow figures out how to send his location. It’s a long and tiring process but in the end, he manages to do it.

_give me ten mins_

_< 2_

Elias closes his eyes again as he waits for Eskild. He feels warm and fuzzy and hopes that Eskild gets here soon. He just wants him close. Closer than he’s ever been with anyone before.

“Elias?” Somewhere beyond the fog in his brain, Elias hears a concerned voice, “Elias. You gotta wake up, okay?”

It takes a lot for him to get past the fuzziness but when he opens his eyes and blinks at the freckled face of Eskild, a smile spreads on his lips. “You came!” He cheered, reaching out to touch his fingers against Eskild’s cheeks.

“Oh boy,” Eskild sighs, brow furrowing even more. “Come on, can you try and sit up?” He asks gently, wrapping his fingers around Elias’ shoulders to help him.

“Don’t want to,” Elias pouts, slumping a little forward because Eskild lets go of him when he’s in an upright position.

Eskild shrugs off his jacket and places it on Elias’ shoulders. “You’re gonna freeze to death. What did you think going outside in only a t-shirt?”

Elias wants to whine about how he isn’t a child anymore and therefore Eskild shouldn’t treat him like one but as soon as he feels the warmth that Eskild left behind in the jacket, he shudders a little bit. The jacket is warm and soft and smells of lavender. Elias forgets his complaints and smiles instead.

Another sigh escapes Eskild’s lips before he says, “I’ll take you home, okay?”

At that, Elias shakes his head. He doesn’t want to. It’s a beautiful night. He reaches out for Eskild’s hand and tugs on it. “Lie with me,” He demands as he falls back on his back.

Eskild hesitates for a moment but then he’s lying next to Elias with way too much distance between them.

“Hold my hand,” Elias whispers as he nudges his pinky finger against Eskild’s.

“Elias…”

“Hold my hand? _Please_?” Elias repeats and suddenly sadness is bubbling up in his chest and there is a very good chance that he will start crying any second.

Maybe Eskild heard that in his voice and wants to spare Elias because he laces their fingers, his thumb drawing circles on Elias’ skin.

Elias scoots closer and nuzzles his nose against Eskild’s neck. It must be cold because Eskild shivers a little. “You’re here,” Elias mumbles happily, inhaling deeply.

“I’m here,” Eskild confirms but he sounds sad.

Elias doesn’t understand because he can’t remember the last time he’s felt this happy.

 

Elias would like to say that he can’t remember the last time he’s felt this awful waking up in the morning. But the truth is that it’s just been two days and, okay, maybe he has a little bit of a problem. This time when he wakes up, he’s not on the sofa but in a bed.

He sits up slowly and is glad when his stomach decides not to rebel against him. He feels dizzy but it seems like he won’t throw up — for now. The room he is in is not overly messy, rather it’s lived-in with stray socks and shirts lying around, it has creme-coloured walls and billowy white curtains in front of the window; the bed Elias is in is large and takes up most of the room. There’s a Britney Spears poster on the wall that Elias chuckles at as well as a Backstreet Boys and Beyonce one. 

But what catches Elias’ eye are the picture frames he finds hanging above the bed when he throws his legs over the edge of the mattress. (Sitting up feels like he’s on a boat.) He focuses his attention on the pictures instead of the swooping feeling in his stomach: one picture is of Eskild with Noora, the girl tugged into his side and both of them beaming; the next one shows Eskild pressing a kiss to a girl’s temple — Elias hasn’t seen her before but looking at the next photograph, he assumes it’s the fourth flatmate, Linn —; and another one of Eskild with both arms thrown around Isak, trapping him effectively in his embrace while Isak rolls his eyes but there’s a smile on his lips anyway. The last one is of all four of them together.

_Family_. Those four pictures are the only ones around the room. Those three people are Eskild’s family, that much is clear.

Elias gets distracted when he hears the sound of his phone vibrating somewhere in the room. While he’s still in his t-shirt, his jeans are discarded on the floor so he picks them up to see if his phone is still in the pocket.

He finds it there and hits the button so the screen lights up. And then he promptly drops his phone. Elias breathes a sigh of relief when it lands on the carpet in front of the bed so there’s no damage but his heart doesn’t stop rabbiting out of his chest.

_Hi_ reads the simple message but that’s obviously not what’s making Elias feel the way he does. It’s from Even and Elias doesn’t quite know how to react.

He’s not made up his mind when the door carefully opens and Eskild peeks inside. “Oh! I didn’t expect you to be awake yet!” He seems a little sheepish.

“I was in your bed,” Elias blurts dumbfounded.

Eskild shrugs and steps farther into his room. He’s fidgety. “Yeah, uh. You needed it?” His voice sounds high and unnatural.

Elias doesn’t understand what’s going on. “What do you mean? Did we…” He trails off. The horror of possibly having forgotten that he slept with Eskild grips ice cold at his chest.

Eskild shakes his head vehemently. “I promise you I _wanted_ to sleep on the sofa to give you your space but you wouldn’t let go of me. I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable!” He babbles helplessly. His gaze when he eventually meets Elias’ is miserable.

Elias’ eyes widen. He never meant to make _Eskild_ uncomfortable. “Shit, I’m so sorry! I am a mess and I don’t even know why I texted you last night…” He apologises hurriedly. Technically, he does know but— yeah. No need to scare Eskild even more, the fact that Elias even ended up in his bed when Eskild has a strict rule against boys in his bed is bad enough.

“It’s okay,” Eskild sighs and crosses the room to sit down on the mattress next to Elias. He hesitates a long moment before he quietly asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what?” Elias shoots back, even though he very well knows what Eskild means. He still grips his phone tightly in his hand, feels the _hi_ burning into his skin.

Eskild isn’t having any of that. “Elias,” He say insistently, “I had a broken boy live in my basement for a month and then it took another five until he talked to someone, until he accepted who he was. It broke my heart and I care about you _a lot_ and I won’t just stand by and see the same thing happen again.”

Getting enough air in his lungs suddenly feels like a foreign concept. Elias never expected Eskild to care that much and he doesn’t quite understand why he does in the first place. “I—“ He can’t speak, it’s physically impossible for him to get any words out. He moves back on the mattress and pulls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.

Eskild takes in the protective position and his expression twists into something pain-filled. “I don’t mean to pry… please don’t think I’m trying to force you into telling me anything. I just want you to know that you _can_ talk to me,” He whispers, turning so that he’s facing Elias. He puts his hands on top of Elias’ where his are grabbing his knees.

There are so many things that feel like he _can’t_ say them even though he wants to maybe. But Eskild’s eyes are big and pleading and if he trusts someone to not judge him, it might actually be Eskild. So Elias finds himself blurting, “Even texted me.” It’s a non-statement really, holds no information for Eskild as to what is going on, Elias is aware of that. But it’s what he was aiming for because maybe he needs to explain the background of the whole Even thing for it to finally make _some_ sense, for him to be able to _right_ it.

“Okay?”

Elias tries to get more air into his lungs. It shouldn’t be this hard. “It’s been almost a year that Even talked to me,” He explains, eyes on where Eskild holds onto him. It doesn’t give him as much comfort as he wishes it would, but enough to make him keep pushing. “He’s— you know about his—” If Eskild doesn’t know about Even’s bipolar disorder, he doesn’t want to take that from him. Even deserves to tell people on his own terms.

Eskild nods, thumbs soothingly brushing against Elias’ skin. “Yeah. I know he’s bipolar.” He doesn’t elaborate on it and it’s not necessary in that moment.

Elias gnaws on his bottom lip, trying to find the right words. “There was an… incident back at Bakka. A lot of shit happened and he— we now know he was manic and it’s,” Why can’t he talk? Why can’t he get the words out instead of his heart throbbing so painfully in his chest? “It’s just fucked. Everything is just so fucked.” _I’m fucked_ , is what he doesn’t say but is damn near close to anyway.

Something in his voice makes Eskild unloosen Elias’ grip around his knees and instead clasp their hands together. It’s somewhat of a weird angle but if it is meant to calm Elias a little, it does exactly that. “So he reached out for the first time?” Eskild asks, voice soft and soothing. He recognises that Elias is struggling with what he’s trying to say and doesn’t dive deeper into it. Elias can’t put into words how grateful he is for that.

“I texted him first actually. But uh, yeah… it’s the first time he replied.” Elias’ gaze is completely focused of their intertwined hands because he’s scared of what he might find when looking at Eskild. He doesn’t even know what he thinks he will find there but any reaction seems like too much right now.

Eskild hums in understanding, squeezing Elias’ fingers reassuringly. “And now you don’t know how to react,” He concludes quietly.

As that was more of a statement than a question, Elias doesn’t directly answer it. Eskild knows anyway. He swallows harshly around the lump in his throat and then goes on, “I _want_ to talk to him again. I really do, and this might as well be my only chance to do so. But what do I say? Do I apologise? _What do I say?_ ”

There’s some hesitance on Eskild’s part before he suggests carefully, “Maybe ask him to meet in person? That might be easier?”

The prospect of being face to face with Even again after such a long time seems almost too dreadful. But Elias’ heart is also lurching uncomfortably, _longingly_ , at the thought. While the other boys in the squad are good for serious conversations too, it really only ever was Even who seemed to understand Elias on a deeper level, who gave meaning to Elias’ thoughts when he himself didn’t even know what was going on in his head. “What if he doesn’t want to see me?” Elias hates how small his voice sounds; how easily Eskild can probably read how scared and lost he feels.

Eskild gently detangles one hand from Elias’ only to reach out and flutter his fingers against Elias’ cheek and down his jaw. “He texted back. I think that means something. And really, Elias, is there anything you have to lose?”

_My sanity_ , Elias thinks but doesn’t say. He tries to focus on the way his heart lurches in his chest instead. Technically, he knows Eskild is right and he knew this moment would come sooner or later because he kept texting Even. It’s just that he has lost hope at some point and now everything seems more complicated. But maybe it isn’t. He picks up his phone again with his free hand.

“Just ask him how he’s doing,” Eskild suggests quietly. And that seems easy enough.

Elias shakes off Eskild’s hand to hold his phone in both hands. His thumbs hover over the dark screen and he feels paralysed. Only when Eskild places a warm hand on his back, just keeping it there for comfort, does Elias unfreeze. He taps his phone screen and immediately, Even’s _hi_ glares back at him as he didn’t close the app before.

He types for almost fifteen minutes. Writing and rewriting messages all of which sound stilted and awful. It might as well be the most nerve-wracking thing he has ever done. The message he eventually sends is, just like Eskild suggested, a simple _how are you doing?_ that makes Elias cringe and feel rather pathetic because it has taken him so long to formulate it.

And then he panics. His heartbeat is in his ears and he feels almost dizzy with it, the swooping in his stomach making him sick. Hastily, he leans over to Eskild’s bedside table and opens the drawer to throw his phone in there as if that made it disappear (made the possibility of Even texting back how much he hates Elias disappear).

The action makes Elias spot a more than half-emptied bottle of lube and a ridiculous amount of condoms, and he realises this other situation he’s in. He remembers that no matter what Eskild makes him feel or how affectionate he is, it means nothing. Eskild doesn’t do relationships and the contents of his drawer are proof enough of that.

(And Elias doesn’t really do relationships either but his traitorous brain keeps telling him that for Eskild he might want to make an exception.)

So Elias is aware that he should protect his heart better, that whatever is happening is a figment of his imagination. But then Eskild says, “No offence, cutie, but you look like death. Cute death, most definitely, but maybe you’d like to sleep some more?” And well, Elias’ resolve crumbles before he can even think about it more. Eskild just always finds the right words to say, no matter how ridiculous they seem, and this was also so clearly to get Elias’ mind off of the Even situation that Elias really can’t do anything but melt.

“Do you want cuddles? You look like you need them?” Eskild offers and there is a faint blush on his cheeks again that stumps Elias.

To be honest, Elias is rendered somewhat speechless. “Cuddles?” He repeats dazedly.

At that, Eskild raises his eyebrows, revealing, “I’m really good at giving cuddles. Just ask Noora, Linn or Isak… well, maybe don’t ask Isak because he will insist it’s bullshit and he’s really not reliable.”

Cuddles. Eskild is offering _cuddles_. To cuddle Elias. Elias can’t remember the last time he’s been cuddled. Or he does remember but that memory involves Even and he really can’t think about him anymore right now. “Oh…” Is the only sound he manages to make after a moment.

Eskild chuckles lowly and then scoots up the bed to make himself comfortable against the pillows, opening his arms invitingly. “You’re not scared of your fake boyfriend, are you?” He teases.

Elias’ heart could really use a break. He huffs as to not let more of his nerves show and raises an eyebrow challengingly, “Me, scared? As if!” It’s a lie, of course it is, but as long as Eskild doesn’t call him out on it, it’s okay.

It feels a little like he’s standing at the edge of a cliff. The gaping abyss in front of him is the feelings he knows are waiting for him when he lets Eskild wrap his arms around him and behind him the fear of admitting his weaknesses, closing in on him.

The fall seems less scary so Elias jumps.

Eskild’s arm wraps tightly, safely around him and instead of the painful crash Elias expected from a jump like that, he feels like he’s floating. He can feel his heartbeat in every fibre of his body but instead of freaking him out, it seems to ground him. He tentatively rests his temple against Eskild’s collarbone so that directly under his ear, he hears and feels the steady — if slightly quickened — heartbeat of the man beside him.

When Eskild reaches out for Elias’ hand, fitting his fingers in the spaces between Elias’, there’s suddenly this overwhelming need to let his feelings out bubbling in Elias’ chest. But he can’t, he won’t cry. He’s stronger than that.

But his eyes are burning as is his heart and Elias hides his face against Eskild’s neck, letting the feeling of their hands entwined and their closeness soothe him and he pushes the thoughts of everything that’s wrong with him aside.

It’s much easier than he thought it would be when Eskild starts stroking his arm with the hand that’s not laced with Elias’ and he falls asleep quickly.

 

Elias is disoriented when he wakes up. He’s pressed against a warm body that he curls into and he feels so content that he doesn’t understand why he woke up in the first place.

But then he hears the loud buzzing noise again and he opens his eyes, blinking in confusion. He meets Eskild’s warm gaze when he cranes his neck a little and their faces are so close that he, again, feels the urge to count the faint freckles on his skin and maybe map them out like constellations in the night sky. 

“Hey cutie,” Eskild says around a smile.

Elias still feels groggy but by far more rested than before his nap. “Hi,” He mumbles, a helpless smile tugging on his lips.

Eskild’s hand moves up from where it’s still holding onto Elias’ arm to brush his thumb against Elias’ cheek. “Slept well?”

His cheeks are heating at the sweet gesture and because he doesn’t quite trust his voice in that moment, Elias simply nods. There’s a pause in which Elias tries to calm down before he says, “There was a noise that woke me…”

“Yeah,” Eskild replies carefully, eyes flitting to his bedside table.

It’s enough to clue Elias in on what it means. His phone buzzed and Elias knows the chance that one of the boys texted him is much higher but the minuscule possibility that it is in fact a message from Even makes him immediately jittery. He leans over to take his phone out of the drawer and immediately moves back close to Eskild, not thinking about what it means. He can’t look at the message right away.

Eskild takes his hesitance as a sign that maybe his presence is the problem. “I can give you a moment alone,” He murmurs, squeezing Elias’ arm before he retracts his arm.

“No!” Elias answers a little too quickly, a little too loudly and desperately. But the thought of facing whatever Even texted — if it was him who texted — makes him panic. “Stay,” He says more quietly. He wriggles around until his head is resting on Eskild’s chest and he worries his bottom lip as he stares at his phone.

“You can do it, Elias,” Eskild whispers, the steady rise and fall lulling Elias into a faux feeling of comfort.

Maybe he can, maybe he can’t. It’s not a question of Elias’ ability to look at a message that will mean so much no matter what it says. It’s a question of what it will _do_ to Elias once he reads it.

He doesn’t think Even is the kind of guy who’d build Elias’ hopes up with a reply after months and months of radio silence just to crush them again with cutting him off completely. But what’s rationality in all of this?

“I can do it,” Elias repeats Eskild’s words to himself and then clicks his phone to life. Again, the meagre conversation with Even pops right up.

And there is Even’s answer and it’s—

It’s more than he expected.

_I’m well… and you?_

_thank you for texting again and being patient and shit. I’m sorry I didn’t text back before…_

A sound that doesn’t sound quite human leaves Elias’ throat. Everything hurts and maybe it’s not in the worst way he imagined but it still hurts because Even shouldn’t be the one apologising when it’s so clear that it’s Elias and the other boys who were in the wrong, who should have handled the situation differently. Point is, Even should not apologising for something that is entirely someone else’s fault.

_you’re my best friend, even_

It’s a reply that could easily come on too strong. But Elias is just so tired of how things are, he wants progress. He wants his best friend back.

“Everything okay?” Eskild makes sure and Elias turns his head, chin boring into Eskild’s chest as he smiles up at him. It’s a small smile but it’s answer enough.

Elias looks back at his phone and his heart skips a beat when he sees the bubble indicating that Even is typing again already. He holds his breath until it feels like his lungs are caving in and he’s gasping for air when another text comes in.

_I miss you_

He doesn’t realise he’s crying until Eskild shifts them around until he can cup Elias’ face in his hands and brush the wetness from his cheeks. “Hey… hey, what’s wrong, cutie?”

Elias shakes his head. Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. It finally feels like he’s found the ground beneath his feet again. Even misses him. Things are not as lost as Elias thought they were. “He misses me,” Elias croaks, hating how _ridiculous_ this is. How _weak_ he is for crying about something so stupid.

Eskild’s shoulders relax at that and he smiles a little. “He misses you,” He mumbles, smile turning brighter when he realises how much this really means.

“He misses me.” It’s as if that’s the only thing that matters anymore. Elias’ world is narrowed down to these three words in that moment.

Eskild hugs him tighter to himself and Elias takes a few minutes to revel in the warmth of the little bubble he is in, where his uncertain future and other people’s opinions don’t matter at all. Where it’s just him and Eskild and the knowledge that his best friend doesn’t want him to leave him alone.

Eventually, he plugs up the courage he didn’t know he had and sends Even another message.

_do you want to meet for coffee sometime soon maybe?_

 

Even does want to meet up. Elias still can’t quite believe it. It’s been three days since they started texting and while their conversations are tentative, they _are_ at least. Mostly, they’re just having smalltalk, unimportant little things but they mean the world to Elias.

So they’re going to meet up. Eskild offered that they could do it at kollektivet, suggesting that it’s an environment both of them feel comfortable in. (Elias has been to the kollektiv only two times before but he can’t disagree with Eskild.)

It’s a Thursday afternoon that Elias shows up at the flat, flustered and nervous. 

Eskild’s beaming when he’s opening the door, immediately babbling away. “Noora is out with the girls, Linn’s asleep in her room so she won’t be a problem and Isak and Even probably fuck— not here but Isak will drop Even off later and then he and I will hang out somewhere else and give you and Even some space,” He takes a breath, stepping aside to let Elias in. Before he can ask what that smell is, Eskild announces, “And because we have some time left until they show up, I decided to cook for you!”

He’s talking so fast, Elias can barely keep up with what he’s saying. Except he catches the last part and Eskild is cooking for him? The last time someone that wasn’t his mom cooked for him, he was on a date…

Eskild leads him into the kitchen and orders, “Sit down, lean back, and watch me work my magic.” He shoots Elias a wink and Elias is pretty sure there’s an innuendo hidden in those words.

“Work your magic,” He grins as he hops up on the counter.

Elias should feel jittery with and distracted by nerves. There should be nothing else on his mind. And to some extent, his heart is fluttering nervously in his chest, he just isn’t exactly sure if that is completely down to the impending meeting with Even. Not when Eskild stirs the sauce and then checks the roast sitting in the oven. Not when he tells Elias over his shoulder, “I went down to Grønland for some halal meat. I hope you like it.” Saying it as if it’s nothing, an everyday occurrence.

“You didn’t—“ His protest is automatic. Years and years of not wanting to be a burden to anyone around him making him react like that. It’s not like there aren’t other options. Elias just wishes he could put into words how much the troubles Eskild went through really mean to him.

Eskild stops him right there, clearly not wanting to hear any protests. “Don’t be silly, cutie,” He cuts him off and then walks over to where Elias is perched on the counter with a spoon in his hand. He knocks Elias’ knees apart and steps in between them, demanding, “Try this.”

Right away, Elias’ heart starts beating like crazy. All his nerve endings are tingling, downright buzzing where he and Eskild touch. He’s acutely aware of the position they’re in, how close they’re are, and how easy it’d be to forget himself and just _go for it_. Elias raises his hands to put them on Eskild’s shoulders. It’s a weak attempt to push Eskild away when really all he wants to do is pull him closer.

Before any of those thoughts can take control though, Eskild pushes the spoon with the sauce against his lips and Elias opens his mouth obediently, tasting the richness of tomatoes and just the right amount of spices. “Mmh,” He hums once he swallowed it, “This is really good!” 

“You like it?” Eskild beams at him, staying right there between Elias’ legs.

Elias wouldn’t mind if he stayed there forever. Something in the atmosphere changes, it’s subtle at first but Elias feels it deep in his bones and he feels himself gravitating yet closer to Eskild.

Except that the timer of the oven goes off then.

Eskild pulls away, patting Elias’ thigh consolingly before he does so as if he knows where this was heading and how much Elias curses the oven’s annoying timing.

Ten minutes later they sit across from each other at the kitchen table with a plate each in front of them with what looks like a delicious dinner.

“Enjoy,” Eskild says at the same time that Elias blurts, “Thanks for cooking for me.” Elias feels himself blush because he didn’t mean to make it sound like _that_. It’s not like Eskild doesn’t need to eat so he probably just made a little more so Elias could eat with him. There is no bigger meaning behind this. Not at all. He just can’t get his hopes up about this even when Eskild made sure to have halal meat.

Eskild shrugs nonchalantly. “It’s no trouble. I just wanted to make sure you’re maybe a little more relaxed…” There’s a beat of silence, “How are you feeling anyway?”

He doesn’t answer immediately. Mostly because he doesn’t have a clear answer. He’s not really hungry but he digs into the food anyway. It tastes incredible, though with the knots in his stomach, it feels too heavy to be really enjoyable. (Elias makes a note to himself to repeat dinner with Eskild when he’s not as wired. “I’m nervous,” He eventually admits. It feels too small a word to describe his feelings.

When they were twelve years old, there was a time when all the boys in their school liked one and the same girl. Everyone fell over themselves to impress Natalie Solberg, trying to get her approval by bringing her lunch or carrying her books. It was a little ridiculous and Elias felt a lot confused because he just didn’t get the hype. The only one who was just as uninterested or at least not as interested as everyone else was Even so one night during a sleepover when their other friends were snoring around them already, Elias heaved a long sigh and whispered, “I don’t get why everyone likes Natalie.” He still remembers how his heart beat out of his chest at that confession, how scared he was when he added with his voice barely audible that he liked Theo Solberg much more. It felt incredibly loud in the otherwise silent room.

Up until today, Elias always thought _that_ moment was the most frightening moment of his whole life. Even after Even replied that there was nothing wrong with that, that he himself liked both of them equally but that “kissing is gross anyway.” 

Elias never explicitly admitted something like that again, but there were conversations in which they skirted around the topic and both of them knew very well what it was about but the fear in Elias took over. That fear is nothing compared to what Elias feels right now, though.

He doesn’t quite know _why_. Fact is that he’s lived the past year without Even in his life so it shouldn’t be such a big deal if this meeting goes to shit. Maybe it’s the hope that’s festering in his heart and mind, though, the chance of actually getting his best friend back — and the fear of seeing that hope crushed.

“I’m sure it’s going to be just great,” Eskild jerks him out of his reverie, his foot knocking against Elias’ under the table in a show of comfort, “And I’ll be there for you afterwards, okay?”

Elias manages a small smile. He’s so grateful for Eskild. “Thank you,” He whispers.

Most of their dinner goes by in silence because Elias can’t really focus on a continuous conversation but that doesn’t mean that Eskild doesn’t try to fill the quietness with mindless chatter in a — somewhat futile — attempt to get Elias’ mind off of things.

He didn’t realise that he’s so attuned to all the other sounds around the flat until a key is turned in the lock and Elias hears it right away, dropping his fork and freezing.

The door is pushed open and Isak’s voice carries through the hallway into the kitchen. “I don’t _know_ French, Even. So no, I’m not going to watch a stupid movie I don’t understand just because it’s _critically acclaimed_.” Elias and Eskild can basically hear his eye roll.

“ _Isak_ ,” Even whines and Elias stops breathing because it’s the first time in way too long that he’s heard Even’s voice again and something just _settles_.

“I’m sure you have pretentious hipster friends who’d love to see the movie with you. Anyone but your poor boyfriend!” Isak insists.

If things were different, Elias would put his money on Even taking Mikael to see whatever movie they are talking about.

If things go well today, maybe that’s actually an option.

Elias’ eyes land on Eskild, who sends him an encouraging smile before standing up to pick their empty — half-empty in Elias’ case — plates up.

“Hi,” The greeting is soft and unsure and when Elias looks to its source, his eyes meet Even’s. His bottom lip is caught between his teeth and he’s slightly leaning into Isak’s side who’s pressed right against him.

Elias manages to keep breathing and replies just as quietly, “Hey.”

And then there is an awkward silence that makes Elias’ skin itch until Eskild pipes up forcefully casually, “Isak, just let me put those plates in the sink so I can wash them later and then I’m ready to go!”

“Okay,” Isak says but he barely pays his roommate any attention because Even is his sole focus. It is such a private moment between them that Elias almost feels bad for watching, but he can’t look away either. Isak’s hands find their place against Even’s neck as he rests their foreheads together. Quietly, he mumbles, “This will go great! If you need me at any point, I’m just a text or phone call away, okay? You’re not alone, Even.”

Even’s smile is faint but the grip to the hem of Isak’s shirt is tight, his knuckles white from it. “I love you.”

Isak’s thumb brushes Even’s jaw and he presses their lips together in a comforting kiss. Elias wants that, too. Wants the familiarity and the feeling of belonging to someone, to be connected this deeply. His eyes leave the couple and land on Eskild again.

Eskild squeezes his shoulder, his fingers trailing down his arm. “It’ll be fine,” He mouths, sending him an encouraging smile. Then his touch leaves Elias and he walks over to Isak, pulling on his arm. “Come on, you can make out with Even later!”

The way Isak frees himself from Eskild’s grip to step back into Even’s space again and nuzzle their noses together is almost painful.

And then it’s just Even and Elias in the room.

Elias clears his throat and stands up. He doesn’t know why. It probably doesn’t make sense. But it’s better than sitting at the table while Even is just standing there across from him.

It seems forceful when Even dropped his gaze from Elias and instead looked over at the sink. With a quiet chuckle, he points out, “You do realise that Eskild will _not_ wash that up later, right?”

A breath of relief rushes out of Elias. Even broke the ice. This is good, really good. Maybe he can actually form words now as well. “You think?” Elias asks. He doesn’t know Eskild or the kollektiv’s dynamics well enough yet to know anything about that. Walking over to the sink,he leans against it in an imitation of nonchalance.

Even walks farther into the kitchen, joining Elias by the counter. “I _know_. He’s gonna put it off forever until Noora comes for a visit and does it… they can be happy that she comes here so often and that I stay over so much. Lazy bunch, the lot of them,” Even laughs.

Elias grins. It’s a great feeling. “Wow, I didn’t expect that, to be honest.”

“They got too used to people cleaning up after them…” Even sighs but he seems more fond than anything else. In the next moment, he reaches past Elias and turns on the faucet. His shrug his self-deprecating when he squirts soap into the steaming water and tells Elias, “And we can’t really stop.”

Elias scrolls the sleeves of his jumper up. “Washing up or drying?” He says but he already grabs the sponge because he knows from all those times they ate together that Even likes drying the dishes more than doing the washing. It’s actually a brilliant way to take some of the awkwardness away. They have something to do and don’t have to look at each other without knowing what to say. He laughs to himself upon realising this weird situation he’s in: at someone else’s place to talk to a friend he’s had a fallout with, doing the dishes. Elias wonders how his life has become that. (It’s not necessarily bad, though.)

Even takes the first plate from Elias when he notes casually, “So you and Eskild, huh?”

There’s a smile helplessly appearing on Elias’ face at the mention of Eskild. He feels his cheeks heating as he scrubs at the dirty plate. “We’re not— if that—“ He stutters, daring to shoot a glance at Even.

Even’s brow is furrowed as he mulls over his faux pas. “It’s okay, Elias. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make assumptions…”

And there are the apologies again. Elias doesn’t want to hear them from Even. “I mean…” He starts slowly, his heart racing. He didn’t imagine this meeting to turn into one where he confesses his feelings. “We might. It’s— complicated? I don’t know… I like him.”

It’s complete gibberish and it’s testament to how well they know each other that Even catches on immediately and knows exactly what Elias needs to hear. “He likes you, too. I’ve never seen him look at anyone like he looks at you and I’ve only seen those few minutes just now so that says a lot. I know this seems scary right now but if you ever need someone to talk I’m…” He catches himself. _I’m here for you_ was said so many times before their fallout that it’s apparently ingrained in their brains now and Even realised a moment too late that it’s not like that anymore. But then he shakes his head slightly, a sad smile on his lips and he murmurs quietly, “I’m here for you, Elias.”

Elias can pretend it’s one of their late night talks and there never was a year in which they didn’t talk.

That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t fix past mistakes, though. He only needs to find a way to do just that. 

“Thank you,” Elias whispers, and he feels like choking up. He tries to find his bearings before he finally says it. “And… Even, I’m so sorry that _I_ wasn’t a better friend to you and was there for you when you needed me. We shouldn’t have been such assholes after everything that happened. I’m sorry.”

It’s quiet in the kitchen for a minute or two. Elias doesn’t dare look at Even, just focuses on getting his breathing under control. “You just needed time. I understand that. You didn’t know what was going on with me and I should have trusted you and just told you about my bipolar disorder… but I didn’t so you only saw me being cruel after Yousef rejected me. That I was manic doesn’t excuse that. I hurt a lot of people. But Elias, please believe me that you weren’t a bad friend. It only took two weeks until you reached out and even though I didn’t ever reply, just know that it helped a lot.”

Elias closes his eyes against the onslaught of emotions but some tears escaped anyway. “I wish you’d let me in. It must have been horrible to go through all of that alone.” His voice sounds weak and broken but for once he doesn’t care because it’s always been a fact that Elias can be the most himself with Even.

“I didn’t think I deserved you or anyone’s care really,” Even replies honestly, so fucking silently that it breaks Elias’ heart all over again.

_Faen._ Elias can’t even imagine what that must have been like. He doesn’t care that his hands are wet and just throws his arms around Even, hugging him tightly. “Fuck you!” He breathes against his ear, “Of course you deserve that! I love you. Goddamn it, I missed you so much, Even!” Elias usually isn’t the kind of person who just blurts his feelings like that. Except maybe he is — at least with Even.

His best friend hugs him back just as tightly and when they pull apart again after a long, long time, he assures Elias, “I know that now.”

Without having to think about it, Elias asks, “Isak?”

Immediately, Even’s face is lit up by a brilliant smile, the wetness in his eyes shimmering. “Yeah. He— yeah. Isak’s pretty amazing.”

Elias snorts. _Pretty amazing_ sounds like the understatement of the year coming from someone as romantic as Even. He assumes that Even probably calls Isak “light of my life” on a daily basis— who is he kidding? On a _minutely_ basis. “Pretty amazing, huh?” He teases.

If possible, Even’s smile turns even brighter. He notices, too, how easily it is to fall back into their old patterns. Knocking his shoulder against Elias’, he mutters, “Shut up!”

They do the rest of the dishes while talking about lighter things: Even doesn’t stop gushing about Isak and Elias enjoys every minute of it, not feeling bad about laughing at Even when he tells him about how he had “wooed" Isak by emptying a towel dispenser and using awful dick jokes on him.

There’s a moment of silence when they watch the dirty dish water go down the drain and Elias fills it when he mumbles, “The other boys miss you, too, you know?” He hopes it’s not too early.

Even said that he now knows he’s worth their friendship but that doesn’t change the fact that his expression closes off as he tries to protect himself.

Elias swallows down the suddenly quickly rising panic and keeps going, “We could use a sixth member for our Sunday basketball games… Sana keeps crushing us, it’s no fun. Like, how can such a tiny girl win against _all_ five of us?”

“‘Cause you’re shit,” Even says but his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

Elias doesn’t know what’s so different about him that Even seems less scared to reconnect with him but not with the others. He should feel proud of that. That maybe Even sees him as much of a best friend as he sees him. But instead it just makes him sad. “True,” He huffs a laugh, stumped for a way to get back to the comfortable atmosphere they had only a couple minutes ago. He regrets ever bringing the other boys up.

A long sigh leaves Even’s lips and he shakes himself to get rid of the tension. “Ugh. This is— a lot. I’m sorry… I miss them, too. But you don’t even want to know how hard the last couple days leading up to today were and I just don’t want to get overwhelmed, you know?” He explains himself.

Elias nods in understanding. “You could…” It’s probably a stupid idea but he wants to get it out there anyway, “If you feel like it, you could ask Mik to join you for that French movie. Isak’d appreciate it if you didn’t torture him and I doubt Mik wouldn’t want to go.”

Even laughs at that and it’s more genuine than before. “I mean, Isak does like the benefits that come with suffering through a foreign movie he doesn’t get…” He wiggles his eyebrows.

“Stop right there!”

He giggles but turns more serious again when he says, “I miss watching pretentious movies with Mikael.”

Elias smiles and shrugs his shoulders. “No pressure. Think about it and if you decide against it, that’s okay, too.”

“Thanks, Elias. Seriously,” Even mumbles.

It feels cheesy to give that thank you back to Even so Elias doesn’t. Maybe he’ll let him know at some later point how much it means that they talk again, how much lighter it makes Elias already feel. Yeah, he’ll definitely do that.

They make some tea and sit down at the kitchen table with their mugs when Even’s phone beeps. He looks at the message after an apologetic glance at Elias and promptly rolls his eyes. “Isak asked how much longer we’ll take, Eskild is plotting his death… which means they’ll be home in,” The front door opens, and Even grins, “Now.”

“I’m sorry if you’re still in the middle of setting things right, I know it’s only been like forty minutes but I swear to God, Eskild likes to torture me,” Isak calls from the hallway.

Immediately, Eskild clicks his tongue, arguing, “You’re such a drama queen, baby gay. You see dick all—“

“Stop right there, oh my _god_!” Isak screeches and then he steps into the kitchen, walking up to Even right away to press a kiss to his temple. “Hi babe, missed you,” He mumbles and then louder, “I’ll be in my room. Eskild, you better not follow me!”

Eskild watches with raised eyebrows as Isak brushes past him and he leans against the doorframe of the kitchen, the mirth in his eyes disappearing when he eyes Elias worriedly. “Everything good?” He makes sure.

Elias nods with a smile. “There’s some tea water that should still be hot if you like…” He offers a little awkwardly.

Eskild waves his hand dismissively. “I’m good. Come find me when you’re done here, cutie!” He winks and doesn’t wait for a reply before he turns around and makes to leave. In the last second, he turns around again, however. “Oh and Even,” Even turns at being addressed, “You better be nice!”

Even doesn’t offer him a reply other than a sharp nod and when he turns around to look back at Elias — who’s turned a lovely shade of red — he’s sporting a devious smirk. Once Even is sure Eskild is out of earshot, he hums, “So protective! This is even more serious than I thought!”

There’s a possibility Elias dies of embarrassment. He can’t say he hates it. “Stop it!” Elias hisses because there’s still a part of him that knows he can’t get his hopes up too high and Even really isn’t helping with that. “Don’t you want to go hang out with your boyfriend or something?” He tries for casual, wanting to get the conversation in a different direction again.

“Wow,” Even laughs, “Already fed up with me, huh?” Elias should have known that Even wouldn’t stop teasing so easily, “Or, I mean, Eskild did ask you to join him in his room… I guess it’s clear what your first choice is. Go chill with your non-boyfriend, Elias!”

“I hate you,” Elias tells him but they both hear how he means exactly the opposite. Even puckers his lips at him before he gets up, drops his empty mug in the sink and leaves the kitchen, calling over his shoulder, “See you later!”

It’s a relief to know that this isn’t just an empty phrase but actually means that they’ll see each other later. Elias can’t stop grinning when he belatedly follows after Even into the hallway and then knocks softly on Eskild’s door.

“That was fast,” Eskild greets him when he steps into the room, warm smile on his lips.

The knots in his stomach that had been there before Even arrived are now gone and make way for butterflies. Eskild has changed into a black woollen jumper that makes him look absolutely cosy and Elias can see himself walking over to the bed and snuggling up to him.

He doesn’t, of course.

Instead, he tells Eskild, “Thank you for being there for me and like, letting us meet here… I— it means a lot, Eskild.”

“Of course, cutie,” Eskild just says, smiling brightly, “It’s what I’m here for.”

It’s much more than that but Elias is too sentimental and sappy right now and doesn’t know how Eskild would react to something like that so he opts for the bantering way, “It’s what alibi boyfriends do, huh?”

Astonishingly, Eskild just looks wondrously at him and then his gaze darts down at the duvet where he picks at a loose thread that’s probably not there anyway before his eyes return to Elias. (Elias is surprised Eskild doesn’t get whiplash from how fast he does it; _Elias_ feels like he gets whiplash from it after all.)

Whiplash or not, Elias’ heart definitely stops beating when Eskild’s next words register:

“Will you go on a date with me?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Change of plans... this is not the last chapter *hides* I have one more scene I definitely need and I think it'll go much better in a chapter of its own, probably some kind of epilogue or, you know, just another chapter that turns much longer than I planned xD
> 
> Okay so let me tell you something about this chapter: I had so much trouble beginning it even though I knew exactly where I wanted to go...  
> It has my favourite scene in it and I had the greatest experience while writing a different scene. I've never felt so close to my characters and I'm not even sure if you will notice that scene because it's such a small thing but it was honestly cathartic for me and I will never forget how fast my heart beat all of a sudden and how I couldn't stop grinning.
> 
> Special shout out to Bri for being an author that I *adore* and taking the time to comment on my work, I love you <333
> 
> I'm dedicating this chapter to Isa because she's so excited for this, making me excited in turn. Honestly, your excitement means everything!! You're the best gf ;) I love you <333
> 
> I made a playlist for this story, you can find it here (hopefully... if the link works, I've never tried this before): https://open.spotify.com/user/21mu7pyuoptesievy2uamtj5i/playlist/6Mc8OuGaXuIRXkQlylYq5T
> 
> Enjoy this chapter! All the love <3

It’s as if the universe shrunk to the small space of Eskild’s room. Nothing else matters after a question like that. Elias is frozen and doesn’t know how to react. He knows how he _liked_ to react but he’s not sure if it’s the right choice. Can he really take the risk of going out with Eskild when he knows exactly what kind of guy he is. Eskild doesn’t do relationships, he’s made that much clear. Now Elias knows a date doesn’t necessarily lead to a relationship (no matter how much a part of him fantasises about that with Eskild) but it’s clear what it does lead to with someone like Eskild. And Elias is sure that he can’t do that.

He can’t be another Enrique.

That thought alone makes Elias defensive (and insecure, not that he’d admit to that) and rather than just following his heart, which was over the moon about that question, he let his head talk. “What so you can chalk me down as a hook-up and get rid of me by calling me Eivind or something that’s _definitely_ not my name?”

Eskild seems taken aback by the harsh reply. He sits up properly in bed, his brow furrowed as he eyes Elias thoughtfully. “ _Elias Bakkoush_ ,” He says solemnly, “I promise you an epic first date with _no_ hooking up. Just say yes? Please? We can talk about hooking up by date three. Excluding the Eivind calling.”

He sounds a little desperate. But above all, he sounds genuine. Elias doesn’t know what to make of that; he wants to protect his heart at all costs. On the other hand, he did a lot of thinking on the Even situation and eventually, it solved itself rather quickly and painless so maybe Elias can just trust his heart here as well? “Okay,” He mumbles, falling back against the door as the tension leaves his body.

Eskild beams at him. It’s almost too bright to look at. _Almost_. Elias feels himself smiling too. “Now,” Eskild clears his throat, “Do you have any other plans for today?”

At that, Elias’ eyes widen. He might have agreed to a date, but he can’t do it _right now_. He needs some time to prepare! “You want to go on a date now?” He blurts, faint panic ringing in his voice.

Eskild laughs and shakes his head. “Nei, cutie. Relax! I just wanna hang out… now that I have you for once not drunk or hungover.”

Elias is both embarrassed about how flustered he got at the prospect of going on a date right away and Eskild’s offhanded comment about always seeing him during or after a night out. It makes him wonder how Eskild even wants to go on a date with him in the first place. They met, after all, when Elias hung over the toilet bowl, throwing up. Eskild must think that was at least slightly gross. “Oh, uh.”

Eskild’s expression is fond when he pats the empty space next to him on the bed. “Come on, join me, Elias,” He encourages.

It’s not like Elias puts much thought into him and Eskild being on the same bed. Or how the last time he was in a bed with him, they were cuddling. Nope, that’s not what’s making his ears rush when he crosses the room to sit down next to Eskild.

“Hi,” Eskild grins at him when he’s settled in. As if it’s the most normal thing in the world — and maybe it is and Elias just doesn’t get that — Eskild leans back against the pillows, getting comfortable again.

Elias stays seated cross-legged, fidgeting with his hands in his lap. “What—“ His voice sounds weird and wrecked. He clears his throat before he continues, “What did you and Isak do while you were gone?” It’s the first thought that came to Elias’ mind, a weak attempt to get a conversation going so the room doesn’t fill with an awkward silence.

“I wanted to give Isak, or well both Isak and Even, I guess, a treat,” Eskild sounds a little defensive already and Elias eyes him curiously. “So I took him to a sex shop.”

The deadpan way that was delivered, makes Elias splutter. From the short amount of time he has known Eskild, he doesn’t doubt taking his roommate to a sex shop seems like a completely normal thing to Eskild. It also explains why they came back so quickly.

Noticing Elias being at a loss for words, Eskild continues, “I took him for coffee first, thought I could ease the little grump into it and if I’m quite honest, I was surprised that he made it in there for a whole ten minutes.” He giggles quietly, “Naturally, he was beet red the whole time but he didn’t flee immediately. The salesperson asking him if he wanted to test one of the dildos out right there was _possibly_ a bit much.”

Elias can’t help it. The situation is so completely absurd and imagining Isak’s shocked face too hilarious to not laugh. The laughter is shaking his whole body and makes him lose his balance so that he falls back against the pillows in a similar position to Eskild’s now. He only shuts up when he realises Eskild has turned to his side and is watching him, his expression so undeniably soft that it makes Elias’ breath hitch. “Sorry,” He mutters, feeling his cheeks heat.

Eskild shakes his head immediately. “I love your laugh! Don’t apologise!” And then he reaches out to brush his fingers against Elias’ cheek, who leans into the touch immediately. “Gosh,” Eskild sighs, closing his eyes after retracting his fingers.

“What?” Elias breathes, curious about what Eskild’s thinking in that moment.

A slow smile spreads on Eskild’s lips. “If I hadn’t promised I wouldn’t do it, I would kiss you right now,” He tells him bluntly, opening his eyes back up to gauge Elias’ reaction.

Something drops in Elias’ stomach. _I’d let you._ Because he can’t actually say that, he says nothing at all and forces his gaze away from Eskild. It’s just too much.

They’re quiet for a couple moments until Eskild asks, “So you and Even…”

When before, Elias only felt dread and heartache whenever Even was mentioned, now a warmth spreads in his bones that makes him feel light and hopeful. “We're figuring things out,” He says because he’s pretty sure they haven’t done that completely yet, things are far from how they were before, but at least they’re going in the right direction.

“That’s great! If you’re getting along again, we can go on a double date with Isak and Even,” Eskild muses. It’s an amazing trait of his that he doesn’t try to push the subject as he notices how hesitant Elias is about it. It’s also incredible how self-assured he is about their first date being such a success that there is the chance of more to come.

Elias raises his eyebrow, “Getting a little ahead of yourself, huh?” Truth be told, he hopes that there will be more than just one date coming out of this and maybe it’s a little ridiculous but it makes him excited that Eskild plans so far ahead.

Eskild winks at him. “If you’ve been impressed by my skills as an alibi boyfriend, wait till you get the real thing.”

There’s so many butterflies in his whole body all of a sudden that Elias momentarily forgets how to breathe. “Wasn’t technically _I_ the alibi boyfriend?” He gets out eventually, surprised that despite his feelings, he still sounds teasing.

“Same difference, cutie. My point still stands,” Eskild insists and then he launches into a story of one of his classmates that got so drunk he couldn’t remember how he woke up on the roof of the Harald Schjelderups hus. When Elias asks if he’s sure that classmate wasn’t Eskild himself, Eskild starts a tickle attack in retaliation that leaves Elias breathless and unable to stop laughing. And somehow they end up with Elias’ head resting against Eskild’s shoulder.

Neither of them minds so they stay in that position, Elias draping his arm over Eskild’s stomach as soon as his heart has calmed down a little and Eskild wrapping his arm around Elias’ shoulders. They spend the rest of the night talking like that until Elias can barely keep his eyes open and yawns more than he talks.

Eskild offers that he can stay the night but Elias’ nerves are right back at that prospect and he declines politely. He doesn’t think he can spend the night while being sober.

 

There’s something about waking up well-rested and _not_ hungover. Elias heaves a deep breath and blinks up at the ceiling in the semi-darkness of his room. He came back from the kollektiv at around three and, after a quick look at the clock hanging above the door, realises that makes about four hours of sleep. Yet, he can’t remember the last time he slept this well. It makes his chest feel lighter as if some weight that has been pushing down on it for so long is finally gone and Elias reaches for his phone on the bedside table, not even thinking twice about it when he sends Eskild a simple _good morning :)_. The text is sent before he can start panicking about seeming clingy.

He’s about to put his phone down again, when it vibrates in his palm and he sees not an instant reply from Eskild but a message from Even instead. Elias throws his arm over his eyes, feeling his cheeks heat and a stupid smile on his lips. As ridiculous as his best friend could be, he missed him so much.

_your non-boyfriend and you seemed to have fun last night_

_you were loud ;)_

Elias takes his phone to the bathroom and he’d be embarrassed about how ridiculously large his smile is but no one could see him anyway so he just enjoyed the happiness that comes from the easy banter between him and Even.

No one has to know about the squeak that leaves his lips when Eskild replies with a _good morning, cutie! hope you slept well <3_

After he got dressed, he leaves his room and almost runs straight into his sister. Sana doesn’t hide her surprise upon seeing him up and about this early on a Friday morning. “What’s up with you being awake already and… _not_ hungover?” At least she lowered her voice a little at that last bit, in case their parents are somewhere close enough to overhear.

The way Sana squints her eyes at him as if she’s suspicious of him having done something makes Elias uncomfortable. It’s unnerving how piercing her gaze always is. Elias tries not to react defensively, he doesn’t really have a reason for it because it’s obvious that Sana is right. He swallows his pride and asks, “Want a rematch after breakfast?” Which is code for, _We gotta talk_. He’ll meet the boys later to hang out and brainstorm ideas for their next video — or just wing it right then — but it feels right to speak to Sana as soon as possible.

Immediately, her expression softens and she nods. They walk down the hallway to the kitchen together and Sana nudges him right before entering it, “Don’t think you can beat me this time.”

Elias laughs. Sana is right — as always.

After breakfast, when they’re outside, they don’t even keep up the pretence of being out here for a game and immediately head for the old swing set.

“You seem happier than last time…” Sana starts carefully, her watchful eyes taking him in.

Her words make Elias smile. They’re true and it feels good that other people seem to acknowledge the change in his mood as well. Then again, Sana has always been very perceptive. “Yeah,” He agrees, pushing his feet against the ground to get some momentum. He hesitates for only a second before he continues, “Remember… when I said that I had a lot going on right now?”

Sana simply nods, waiting for him to go on.

“I met with Even at kollektivet,” Elias tells her, mindful of the wording. He knows Sana will pick up on it and it’s better he brings both Even and the Eskild situation into the conversation from the beginning so he doesn’t chicken out of it.

It takes his sister a moment to reply and when she does, there’s confusion ringing in her voice. “You ran into him there or…? How did you even end up back in the kollektiv in the first place? Did you drink again and that’s why—“ She sounds frustrated with herself about not understanding what is going on so Elias interrupts her quickly.

“We made plans to meet up there. I took your advice and reached out again… and uh,” She doesn’t need to know that yes, he did end up there a second time because he was drunk so he omits that and just says, “Eskild and I are… friends in a way.” It sounds more like a question because it just doesn’t seem like the right term to use for what they have. Before Sana gets in a word, he keeps going, “So Eskild suggested to meet there because it’s like a— safe space for both of us?”

It’s clear that Sana has a lot of thoughts about all of this and she gnaws on her bottom lip while she tries to figure out what to say first. Elias can basically see the little wheels turning in her head. “You’re— I mean. Even and you are talking again,” She states, leaving it open to Elias to elaborate on that.

Elias takes a deep breath, reminding himself that he _wants_ to talk to Sana, needs it really. “I apologised for not trying harder to be there for him after his suicide attempt and we—“ He shudders. He won’t ever be able to forget that empty feeling after Sonja told them that Even was in hospital, how he felt like falling into a dark abyss but instead of hitting the ground at some point, he just kept falling and falling. He can’t quite remember how many days he spent crying in his room when only Sana was allowed to attempt to comfort him but none of that helped anyway because Sonja said it would be better for Even’s recovery if they didn’t try to visit him and that was really all Elias wanted to do: make sure his best friend was okay, but he couldn’t do that and had to rely on second hand accounts of how he was doing.

Sana seems to remember as well. Her eyes turn slightly glassy and she turns her head so Elias can’t look at her face anymore.

He can’t think about it for too long so he forces himself to continue, “H-he told me about how he felt back then. It’s not like it used to be between us and maybe it will never be again but we’re texting and yeah. It’s good, _great_ , to have him back in my life, you know?”

The smile Sana shoots him makes her dimples appear on her cheeks. She stretches out her foot to knock it against his shin in a show of affection.

He grins back at her. The silence settles between them in which Elias tries to sort his thoughts. He’s glad that Sana senses that he needs that moment but doesn’t think he’s done speaking. It makes it easier for him to admit it in the end. “I don’t think Eskild and I are friends…”

Sana nods, not giving anything away. Elias almost wishes she would call him out on it so he doesn’t have to say it out loud. But she wouldn’t be Sana if she did that.

“You’re the first—“ He furrows his brow and amends, “Second person to know so like… this is—“ _This is important._ Elias stares down at his feet, his hands gripping the cold metal of the swing handles tightly. “I— I like boys. I mean, I like Eskild. A lot. So… yeah, that’s me.” He squeezes his eyes shut. It’s out now. Sana knows and he can’t take that back now. No matter how his sister reacts.

It’s not more than a couple of seconds before Sana replies, “You didn’t think I’d react bad to that, did you? Because, Elias, I hope you know that I would never judge. I love you and nothing will ever change that.”

Elias didn’t realise he’s been holding his breath but now the air leaves him like a deflating balloon. Sana is a person who doesn’t throw her affections around freely so when she does, you can count on it being absolutely genuine. That she does it in this moment means _everything_. “Thank… you.” He feels choked up, his teeth bore into his lip so harshly it hurts but at least that means he doesn’t break down completely.

Sana pipes up, “You know, I’d hug you but _hugs_ …”

It punches a laugh out of him and it’s as if the whole tension melts away. He stands up, positioning himself in front of his sister. “Come on,” He looks at her expectantly, waving his hands when she just stares back at him blankly. Sana regards him with an eye roll but gets up anyway. Considering her aversion to hugs, Elias only wraps one arm around Sana’s shoulders, pulling her close so that her hijab-clad head is tugged under his chin. It doesn’t take long that he feels her relax against him and he presses a kiss to the crown of her head, smiling to himself.

Sana’s arm sneaks around his waist for a couple seconds before she retracts her arm again and pushes him off of her. “Fuck off, Elias,” She laughs, hesitating before she asks, “So he likes you, too? Eskild?”

Elias stuffs his hands in his jeans, his gaze bashful. “We’re going on a date soon,” He mumbles.

“Hey, that’s great!” Sana’s grin turns into a soft smile. She points behind her at the basketball hoop, “Do you have some time left for the rematch before meeting the boys?”

“Bring it on,” Elias says but winces when he realises that he doesn’t sound enthusiastic at all. 

Sana goes over to the hoop to pick up the basketball but Elias doesn’t have the illusion that she lets it go. Her whole focus might be on the ball, the position of her hands perfect when she aims for the hoop but the sound of her voice is just as focused when she asks, “Mamma and pappa?”

“Nasir is going to marry the perfect woman, they’re going to have the perfect family with perfect children. Do you see how over the moon pappa and mamma are about that? They want that for all their children… I can’t tell them that I can’t give them that. I can’t break their hearts, Sana.” Elias scuffs his toes against the pavement, frustration rising in his chest. Sana is the only person that’s ever seen him break down completely, yet he can’t do it right now. He can’t let his fears take over again.

The calmness his sister oozes on the outside doesn’t match how she feels inside. “Nasir,” She huffs, the basketball hitting the screen and then bouncing off the hoop. She doesn’t even care to catch the ball again and instead turns fully to Elias. “He’s got it right. Great premise for us, huh? I’m falling in love with a non-Muslim… I think they have to prepare for some broken hearts.” It’s the cold, hard truth, no embellishments because that’s not Sana’s style. And quite frankly, Elias is glad for that. Illusions would just make it worse in the end.

“At least we have each other,” Sana sighs, smiling at him a little sad.

Elias returns the smile and nods. “We do.” He goes to pick up the ball that rolled away. This got way too heavy and he needs something to do before more feelings come pouring out.

They play for a while, both of them visibly subdued but Sana gets her determination back rather quickly and gets the basketball through the hoop six times compared to Elias’ zero. It’s not like that’s a surprise. “What I don’t get,” Sana speaks up, easily dodging Elias’ attempt to get the ball from her. There goes another ball through the hoop. “How am I only the second person to know?”

He bites back a smirk and tells her, “To be fair, the first one is Even and I never explicitly told him I’m gay. He just always knew… before me probably.” After a second, he realises it’s the first time he’s said it out loud. _I’m gay._ He expected the world to tilt on its axis or something equally as dramatic but nothing happens. Everything stays the same. _That’s me._

“Well, okay,” Sana concludes, “You’re excused then.”

 

Elias rides the tram to meet up with the boys because for once, they’re not meeting up in the Bakkoush house but at Mutta’s.

At the second stop, Mikael joins him, his smile big as per usual. “Halla!” He greets, swaying on his feet when the tram gets back in motion.

Elias doesn’t even return the greeting before he blurts out, “I’m talking to Even again.” The last two days, the past few hours really, he said so many things he hadn’t said before so now it feels like he can’t just stop again.

All colour drains from Mikael’s face. He’s taking a couple of minutes until he can answer, all the while, Elias gnaws on his lip worriedly. “You— is he— he’s okay?”

Elias nods. “He’s happy… got himself a boyfriend and everything,” He explains.

Mikael relaxes at that, smile slowly spreading on his lips and eyebrows raised in surprise. “Huh… and I thought he’d stay with Sonja forever,” He muses before adding, “Does he want to talk to the rest of us, too?” It’s so rushed that it’s clear he said it before he could change his mind.

“He misses all of us,” Elias starts carefully, “And he wants to take things slow so they don’t overwhelm him. Maybe keep it between us for now? I could tell Even hi from you or something? There’s this French movie he talked about that he wants to see and I suggested the two of you could go together…”

Hearing that, Mikael’s smile gets a little bigger again. “Oh I know which one!” He exclaims excitedly, “It’s— damn, I can’t remember the name but I’d love to go with him. I’d _kiss_ you if you brought it up again to him!”

Elias laughs and without thinking about it replies, “I’m not really available. I’ll do it without the kiss though.”

Mikael’s jaw drops. “Not available!” He punches Elias in the shoulder, “How! What! When did that happen? _Who_?”

Elias’ eyes dart to the ground and he mumbles, “Can I tell you when it’s more… uh, real?”

He’s surprisingly chill about it, shrugging his shoulders. “Sure, bro. If it’s Thea though, just let me tell you right now: told you so. She’s been into you since first grade!” He teases.

Shaking his head, Elias assures, “It’s not Thea.” Not even close. He wonders how Mikael would react but there have been enough revelations for one day so he doesn’t say anything.

 

_i told mikael about us_

_now that just sounds like we’re having an illicit affair_

Elias knows Even. He knows his deflection techniques and this is clearly one of those. Maybe he shouldn’t have done this via text; he didn’t mean to spring it on Even like that but all day while they hung out, Elias could feel Mikael’s eyes on him and the questions in them. _Why you and not me? Even and I used to be best buds but now he’s talking to you and not me._ The guilt simply became too much. And anyway, Elias wants things to return to normal again — or at least as normal as possible.

_what do you think about that?_

He doesn’t plan to fall for Even’s attempt of distracting him with a joke. Though when the reply doesn’t come quickly and there are no bubbles indicating Even is typing, Elias wonders if maybe he should have humoured Even.

_go on a date with me next friday? <3_

Elias was so quick to scramble for his phone, wanting to read Even’s answer that he furrows his brow at the message for a long moment before he realises that this is in fact not Even’s chat opened anymore but Eskild’s.

Which really does nothing to calm his heartbeat down.

So far, there has been the chance that Eskild would just “forget” about his plans to take Elias on a date and Elias would be sad about that, sure, but he could write it off as a heat of the moment kind of thing (he can’t think about it for too long or it wouldn’t be logical anymore) but now Eskild asked again and there’s a concrete date involved.

Involuntarily, a smile spreads on Elias’ lips and he presses his phone against his chest. He takes a few minutes to calm down before he picks up his phone again, staring back at the message.

His worry for Even and what’s going to happen with their friendship in the future, including Even’s friendship with the other boys, is still on his mind but as long as Even doesn’t reply (a part of him is fucking scared that he’s ruined what they so carefully built in the last few days) there isn’t a lot Elias can do so he lets himself be selfish, putting his whole attention on Eskild for now.

_depends where you’re taking me ;)_

_well THAT is a surprise, cutie_

_you gotta take it or leave it ;)_

Elias can’t leave it at that. He has to know where Eskild is taking him— not to say yes because his answer will be the same no matter if they end up in some fancy restaurant or Eskild decides to take him to eat kebabs, but because it is impossible for Elias to deal with his curiosity when it comes to surprises.

Before he knows it, he’s dialled Eskild’s number and before he can change his mind, Eskild’s cheery voice rings down the line. “Well hello, dearest alibi boyfriend!”

“Hi Eskild,” Elias replies, not meaning to sound this exasperated, “Where are you taking me?”

Eskild chuckles. “Well,” He starts slowly, undoubtedly to heighten the suspense, “You gotta agree to the date to find out.”

Elias deflates and groans. “Eskild!” He whines, “Tell me! I can’t handle surprises! I hate them!”

There’s a beat of silence where Elias thinks that Eskild will give in but then he just says, “If surprises get you to call me, I have to plan more of them. I like hearing your voice…”

He wants to be annoyed. He really, really does. But instead, Elias’ breath just hitches hearing Eskild so easily admit liking his voice. It takes him a couple seconds before he decides on a different strategy. “Hey _boyfriend_?” He makes his voice drop, hopefully sounding enticing enough that Eskild falls for it. Elias remembers Eskild’s reaction the very first time they met and he called him that so maybe this works in his favour. “I’m _super_ desperate right now… I’d do literally _anything_ for you to tell me where we’re going. Anything, _babe_.”

He’d be embarrassed about this but he really is desperate and if Eskild’s mumbled, “Faen!” is anything to go by, he really nailed this. Elias gives him the time it takes him to gather his wits and then Eskild clears his throat. “Okay, listen. I can’t give away everything because I really want to see your reaction but I can tell you that it’s not just any mainstream date. We’re not going to a restaurant or to see a movie. We’re going somewhere that I think you’ll enjoy because of what you told me the first time we met…”

This helped absolutely nothing. Elias is still completely clueless but at the same time, he feels warm and happy because Eskild apparently planned their date based on something Elias told him a while ago — at least it feels like a long time when in reality it’s only been about two weeks. And while Elias himself can’t for the life of him remember what that might have been, Eskild seems to remember. “You know there’s like an unwritten rule that says you have to take a date out for food,” Elias points out just to be difficult — and to mask the fact that he feels quite flustered.

Eskild laughs. “There will be food,” He promises, “Will you stop asking questions now and just agree to the date?”

“Fine!” Elias sighs but he’s smiling.

The smile is audible in Eskild’s voice too when he says, “Great. We’re having a date on Friday then.”

The only really hard part about this will be to wait a whole week for that day to come. Elias isn’t sure he’s patient enough.

Now would be the perfect moment to hang up again. The reason for Elias’ call is done with so it would make sense for both of them to end it and follow their own Friday night plans. But instead of saying goodbye, Eskild keeps the conversation going, “What are you doing tonight?”

It’s not a complicated question. And yet, somehow it is. It’s a Friday night and Elias doesn’t have any plans. For the first time in forever, he doesn’t feel the need to go out and get completely drunk. It’s probably a good thing. “Just gonna chill at home, probably,” He replies, hoping that Eskild will just drop it. He knows he worried him before and at some point, Eskild will surely bring it up again, but maybe he won’t do it now. Maybe for now, Elias can just feel safe and warm, talking with Eskild about random things that don’t make his stomach queasy.

“And here I thought you young folks are always on the lookout for the next party,” Eskild laughs and Elias sighs a breath of relief.

“Shut up, you’re only two years older!” Elias groans, shifting on his bed to get in a more comfortable position. He ends up lying on his back with his left arm tucked behind his head and holding his phone against his ear with the other. Smirking, he says, “Anyway, don’t you think I have a right to want to talk to my boyfriend instead?” Never let it be said that he doesn’t know how to flirt. (Elias can just pretend that he doesn’t notice the shift in meaning the word boyfriend has gone through.)

Eskild hums in agreement. “I can get behind _that_ concept. You’re lucky I don’t have other plans, cutie.”

It’s easy to talk to Eskild. There’s a chance it’s even the easiest thing Elias has ever done. They go from lighthearted topics like Eskild’s uni shenanigans with lots of laughter to quiet voices and, _I don’t know about my future. I want to do something with film but… life just seems so complicated and pointless sometimes, you know?_ And Eskild is right there, reassuring him, telling Elias that it’s okay to feel lost, most of the time he himself feels like that even though he has a pretty solid plan of what he wants to do in a couple of months when he graduates from university.

Then they’re suddenly at the topic of sexuality and Elias is amazed how open Eskild is about this, how easily he can talk about his parents cutting him out of their lives for the simple fact that he loves men and not women. And Elias feels his throat closing up, feels so sad for Eskild and so scared for himself but Eskild is a rock, says it doesn’t affect him anymore and he’s glad he doesn’t have people like that in his life anymore and that everything that happened to him made him who he is today and he’s thankful for that because he’s really damn happy with who he is.

Elias gets the feeling that Eskild is not usually this open about his past, that he doesn’t speak this freely about it with just anyone and it makes Elias feel special and it hurts a little to know that he can probably never convey how much it means to him that Eskild chose him to be this honest with.

“You’re an amazing person, you know that, Eskild?” Elias whispers and before Eskild can react with some kind of joke Elias is sure will come because that’s how Eskild tries to get out of serious moments, he continues, “I’m serious. I am so in awe of you… if only I could be half as strong as you are…”

The quiet that stretches on between them after that is comfortable and wraps around Elias like a blanket but at the same time there is that niggling thought at the edge of his mind that he finally said too much, was too sincere, that Eskild will turn away now even though so many secrets and hopes and dreams have been revealed between them in the past few hours that Elias should know there’s something between them now. He might not want to label it yet but it’s undeniable that they’re connected on some deep level that can only happen when you’re laying your soul bare like they have done.

Eskild sounds surprisingly choked up when he eventually breaks the silence. “Elias Bakkoush,” It’s reminiscent of the first time he asked Elias out on a date, a reminder and a promise of _I know your name, I know you, I won’t forget you_ between the lines. “You have the biggest heart. I will forever thank the God who shunned me that he put you in my life.”

 

Waking up relaxed after a proper sleep is not something Elias planned to get used to. But here he is the second day in a row where he doesn’t feel like staying under the covers for all of eternity.

His phone is lying next to him on the mattress and when he looks at it, he realises he’s at only two percent but what startles him even more is that there’s a still ongoing call — at twelve hours and 43 minutes — which is just ridiculous. It’s a surprise that his battery hasn’t given out yet. Elias brings the phone to his ear, listening to Eskild’s snores for a moment before he sighs and ends the call with a smile.

He grabs his charger and plugs his phone in before he checks his messages. There are a couple in the group chat with the boys where they ask him if he plans to join them at Eirik’s party before their texts get more and more intelligible and somewhere around one they just stop asking. He tells them he’s sorry, that some family stuff demanded his attention and immediately feels bad about it but he leaves it at that anyway and exits out of the conversation.

There’s also a reply from Even, sent at four in the morning. Elias cringes, hating how his stupid need to interfere with Even’s life and decisions probably cost him sleep.

_give me some time to get used to talking to you again_

_i will reach out to mik eventually…_

_i really wanna see that movie_

_but like i’m sorry. sorry to be so fucking complicated_

Elias just barely refrains from burying his face in the pillows and screaming. If only Even stopped apologising for shit that wasn’t his fault.

_listen i’m sorry okay?_

_i’m shit at this whole not pressuring thing_

_if you wanna hang out sometime this week i promise i won’t bring mik or the other boys up! just like old times?_

_deal <3 :)_

The easy reply lifts such a huge weight off Elias’ shoulders. He lies in bed a little longer, just staring at the ceiling and smiling because maybe he can’t figure out his future right now but at least he can sort out his past with Even.

 

Elias’ week is busy and filled with anticipation. When he’s not hanging out with the boys to film their new YouTube video, he’s texting Even and they meet up on Wednesday in the city centre before deciding to go to Elias’ place because Even missed going there. It’s the best afternoon Elias has in a while and he keeps his promise of not mentioning Mikael or the others.

And during all of that, there’s barely a second where he’s _not_ texting with Eskild. Whenever Elias thinks he’s being too overbearing, demanding too much attention, Eskild takes that worry away right away with a message that starts a whole new conversation as if feeling that Elias gets insecure.

Suddenly it’s Friday and Elias is pacing his room nervously. Eskild said he would pick him up because “I’m a gentleman, Elias, I won’t let you think otherwise.” And Elias refrained from throwing his phone away and squealing into his pillow.

So now he feels like an asshole because he thinks about meeting Eskild halfway to the tram stop. He doesn’t want Eskild to think he’s embarrassed of him because he’s not but how can he explain to his parents who’s picking him up when he’s never mentioned Eskild before and they really only know the other boys. He’s not sure he can field the questions that will surely come because Eskild is unapologetic about who he is and Elias is scared of their judgement of Eskild.

He just wants this day to be perfect and it upsets him that he’ll probably hurt Eskild in his attempt to protect him.

“Fuck,” He groans, running a frustrated hand over his buzzed head.

His outburst follows a tentative knock to his door and Sana peeks her head inside. “Are you okay?”

Elias shakes his head, groaning, “No…”

She raises her eyebrows, looking almost disproving of his attitude. “You’re not having second thoughts about your date, do you?” Crossing her arms, Sana really does look scary.

“No!” He exclaims immediately, “No, definitely not! I’m really excited for it but he’s picking me up…”

His words make Sana relax. “While in your own little world, you probably didn’t realise that pappa’s still at the hospital and mamma needs some more groceries so she should be out for a while longer.”

Elias is so relieved that he closes the distance between him and his sister, hugging her tightly. He buries his nose in her hair while she’s stiff in his embrace. “Thank you!” He tells her, eventually relieving her from his love as he takes a step back.

She looks at him wholly unimpressed. “Have fun on your date!” She huffs but before she turns around completely, Elias can see a smile forming on her lips.

Elias stuffs his wallet in his back pocket and grabs his phone from his bed, keeping it in his hand in case Eskild sends him another message. He gives himself a mental pep talk because while Sana’s reassurance have calmed his nerves a little bit, they are still pretty prominent and then he leaves his room.

It’s ten minutes before four — the time Eskild is supposed to show up — when the doorbell rings. Elias would like to say that he doesn’t completely lose his cool. That’s complete bullshit obviously. He’s just glad Sana is in her room so she doesn’t see him stumbling over his own two feet because he definitely wouldn’t hear the end of that _ever_.

“Hi!” Elias sounds awfully breathless when he yanks the door open, facing Eskild.

Eskild makes no comment on it though and just shoots him the biggest smile. “Hello, cutie.” And then he pulls Elias into a warm hug that lasts forever but is still too short for Elias’ liking. “Ready for our date?” Eskild asks when he pulls away.

Elias nods. He can’t help the grin that already seems permanent. “Are you gonna tell me _now_ where we’re going?”

He pretends to think about it for a moment before he replies, “We gotta take the tram.”

“That’s it? Ugh, this isn’t fair!” Elias groans, not managing to seem mad for more than a couple seconds. Their shoulders bump as they make their way to the tram stop.

“You gotta be patient, cutie,” Eskild coos, reaching out to squeeze Elias’ wrist.

Elias feels an electric shock going through him and he instantly misses the feeling of Eskild almost holding his hand. Apparently, he won’t get anything out of Eskild regarding their date, so he just lets it slide. He probably doesn’t have to wait much longer to find out anyway so whatever. “How was your day?” He asks conversationally, even though they’ve been texting almost all the time.

Eskild sighs dramatically. “Don’t even get me started. I worked on my thesis and it’s just— _hell_. Plus, I kept getting distracted by this super cute boy I get to take out on a date!”

Elias almost lets a _who?_ slip before he realises that Eskild is talking about him. That would have been just embarrassing. He’s glad his brain caught up quick enough. "Stop it,” He says bashfully, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jeans so as not to do something stupid like reaching out to hold Eskild’s hand. “I’m sorry you had troubles with your thesis!”

Eskild waves his hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it, I just like to complain!” And then he launches into a completely different topic.

There’s nothing that Elias hates more about dates than that he has to come up with conversation that isn’t awkward, and there is not a single exception that he didn’t feel like it was always a hassle with every girl he went on a date with. But there is nothing complicated about it with Eskild. Conversation just flows easily.

When they pass the stop that they would usually take to get to kollektivet, Elias furrows his brow. “Did you go all the way to pick me up just to come back here?”

Eskild reaches out to press his thumb to Elias’ forehead, presumably to straighten the line that has formed there. “I said I was a gentleman,” He reminds Elias.

Elias can barely focus on his words. His heart rate is picking up speed and he suppresses the urge to check if anyone is looking at them weird. He actually doesn’t care what complete strangers think of him but somehow, he still seems programmed to see. He doesn’t look away from Eskild though. Takes in his pretty brown eyes and the pale freckles he’s almost close enough to count. He grips the pole they’re both holding on to tighter as to not reach out and trace the constellations on Eskild’s skin.

Both of them get a little lost in each other’s eyes so that they almost miss their stop — which, apparently, is Birkelunden.

It becomes clear pretty quickly why they exited the tram here. The park seems to be their destination. Lots of people are milling about and there are all different kinds of artists by the side of the path. Artists showcasing their paintings and drawings and sculptures, most of them having set up to work on a new piece; there are also various groups, all different in size, either getting ready for some kind of performance while some dance crews are already in the middle of one.

Elias takes it all in with his jaw dropped. It’s colourful and buzzing with energy. He can’t stop grinning.

“I heard about this arts festival and thought it would be perfect because,” And there Eskild hesitates for a moment, seeming nervous for no reason, “Because you create art too? With your videos?”

No one has ever called their ridiculous videos and their attempt at educating the world about the inequalities minorities face every day and the misconceptions the Western world has of Muslims art. It warms Elias’ heart to have Eskild say that. “I love it,” His voice is thick with emotion.

“Yeah?” 

Elias nods. “It really is perfect… come on, let’s check this festival out!” On instinct, he reaches for Eskild’s hand, before retracting his hand quickly. _Too much_.

Of course Eskild notices the aborted movement but instead of commenting on it, he drops his arm on Elias’ shoulders.

Immediately, Elias feels all warm on the inside and again, he hates himself for surreptitiously checking if anyone is staring. They don’t, unsurprisingly really. Everyone is fascinated by what’s happening around them as is Elias.

Eskild’s arm doesn’t stay around Elias for long, simply because he ducks out of the embrace to step closer to a group of dancers. It makes his stomach churn how relieved he feels that Eskild isn’t touching him anymore when he actually doesn’t crave anything more than the older boy’s touch.

To quell his thoughts, Elias tells Eskild, “My friend Yousef is a dancer. He’d love this!”

They’re standing close. Their arms brushing but Eskild doesn’t attempt to wrap his arm around Elias again. Elias is not sure how he feels about this, wondering if he’s ruined everything — like he tends to do. But Eskild is smiling at him and asks, “What about you? You look like you can dance!” He lets his gaze wander over Elias’ body, licking his lips.

Elias squirms but something he’s scared to put a name on is coiling hotly in his stomach. There’s a big chance he doesn’t want Eskild to stop looking at him like that. “I can—“ Elias blinks and clears his throat in an attempt to not have his voice sound so fucking _wrecked_ , “I can dance, I guess. But not like— _that_ or Yousef or something.”

“I’m sure it’s hot.” Eskild winks at him before turning back to the performance, looking so enthralled that if it weren’t for the small smirk on his lips, Elias would think Eskild doesn’t know what exactly his words mean.

Elias is still flustered by the end of the performance when they continue walking through the park.

“Are you gonna wear that blush permanently now?” Eskild teases, nudging him, “Because I won’t complain, it’s fucking cute.”

He pushes him a little, grinning when it makes Eskild stumble.

“Rude,” Eskild huffs.

Elias blows him a kiss.

“ _Rude_!” Eskild repeats and this time he slings his arm back around Elias’ shoulders.

This time, Elias doesn’t check their surroundings and he lets himself fall into Eskild’s side a little more. He resists the urge to link his fingers with Eskild’s where his hand is dangling off his shoulder.

Eskild points ahead of them. “Are you hungry?” As every good festival should, there are several booths that sell food between all the artists and dancers. Without really waiting for an answer, Eskild steers them in that direction.

They end up ordering kebabs that they eat while they keep walking. Elias regrets that choice a little bit because it usually ends up getting messy when he eats them. But Eskild seems to have the same problem so they can just laugh about the fact that they get sauce basically everywhere.

It’s after they finished their food that Elias spots a familiar face. It shouldn’t be that familiar actually, but Elias remembers the condescending eyes and how he felt superior to Elias — maybe only for a couple minutes before Eskild shot him down but it was enough to make him hate the guy. (Maybe jealousy plays a part as well but whatever.)

Elias reaches out and grabs the hand of an unsuspecting Eskild, linking their fingers together. Eskild is thoroughly surprised, opening his mouth to ask what is going on but it’s also the moment that Enrique spots them. He looks like a deer caught in headlights but approaches with his head held high. Elias tightens his grip on Eskild’s hand.

“Hei, Eskild! Fancy seeing you here!” Enrique says, completely ignoring Elias — or their intertwined hands — and batting his lashes obnoxiously. “We should repeat the other night sometime…”

Elias wants to punch him.

As if realising how tense Elias is, Eskild brushes his thumb soothingly against his skin. “ _Henrik_!” He chirps pointedly, “So nice to see you again! I’m afraid you have to find someone else for that repeat. My cute boyfriend here isn’t your biggest fan.” That’s… true but also it seems like Eskild isn’t his biggest fan either.

Elias hides his huge smile against Eskild’s shoulder upon hearing Eskild call Enrique Henrik again when everyone involved is aware that he knows his real name. He’s pretty sure they look _adorable_ right now.

When he looks back at him, Enrique’s expression has fallen. “Boyfriend, right,” He mumbles, “I, uh, guess I’ll see you around.”

Enrique is gone but their hands are still connected because Elias just wants to make sure Enrique is really out of sight. Or, he just really likes the feeling of Eskild’s hand in his.

“What’s this then?” Eskild asks conversationally, grinning brightly. Elias wants to kiss it off his lips.

Elias decides to play dumb, “What?” He tugs on Eskild’s hand to get them walking again.

Eskild squeezes his hand, “This. Do I spot a tiny bit of jealousy?”

His tone is teasing of course and Elias immediately splutters, “ _Jealousy_? You don’t like him either! You literally called me your boyfriend to get rid of him!” Eskild’s smile just widened. Oh fuck him! “I panicked, okay?” Elias screeches, feeling his cheeks warm.

Eskild raises his eyebrows, looking amused. “You… panicked?” He says slowly, “ _You_?”

They’re still holding hands and Elias’ stomach does some funny things. “Ugh,” He groans and he raises his chin defiantly when he admits, “Maybe I just wanted to hold your hand!”

“Oh…” Eskild is clearly taken aback but quickly, his smile turns into something so bright, Elias is sure it could fuel the electricity of the whole planet and the urge to kiss him gets stronger.

Defiantly, Elias says, “I can let go right now!” He half-heartedly tries to detangle their fingers. 

Eskild just holds on tighter. “Don’t you dare! You’re not getting that hand back anytime soon!”

 

Despite Elias’ insistence that Eskild doesn’t have to go all the way back to the Bakkoush house just to be able to say he’s a real gentleman that picked his date up and dropped it off again, Eskild is more stubborn so the both of them end up at the foot of the stairs leading up to the front door.

They’re not holding hands anymore — had only stopped once they got off the tram because Eskild seemed to sense how nervous Elias got, the closer they came to his house. He punches Eskild in the stomach lightly to get to touch one more time before getting up those stairs and saying goodbye for the night. “You really didn’t—“

Eskild interrupts, “I wanted to. Thanks for the great day, Elias…”

There’s something about being called cutie but hearing Eskild say his name excites Elias even more. “Thank _you_ for taking me to the festival. It was amazing!” He almost doesn’t care that it’s only a matter of time until his mum looks out the kitchen to see them, he wants Eskild to kiss him anyway. It’s actually quite unbelievable that they held out this long.

“So any chance there will be a second date?” Eskild muses, swaying closer to Elias — he isn’t sure if it’s consciously or subconsciously but he doesn’t think he cares.

Wrapping his arms around himself as not to give in and touch Elias, he replies quietly, “I can’t wait.”

It’s all it takes for Eskild to smile large. “I know I promised no hooking up but…” He takes a deep breath, steeling himself, “Can I give you a kiss goodnight?”

Elias’ breath hitches. _Yes, yes, yes_. Yes, please. He shoots the house an unsure glance, sees the illuminated windows and feels way too monitored. But he wants, maybe even _needs_ that kiss. He grabs Eskild’s wrist and pulls him with him, around a corner. His heart is pounding in his chest when he grabs both of Eskild’s hands, stepping closer as he intertwines their fingers.

“Okay?” Eskild whispers, searching his face in the semi-darkness with the faint light of a street lamp creating more shadows than light.

As an answer, Elias leans in. Their noses bumping together a little more harshly than he meant to makes him wince and close his eyes in embarrassment and he keeps his eyes so he doesn’t have to see Eskild laughing at him.

Instead, he feels Eskild resting his hand against his neck, his thumb caressing Elias’ jaw. They’re breathing each other’s air — or would be if Elias were breathing.

Elias holds on tighter to the hand that is still holding his and with his free hand he reaches out to grab Eskild’s shirt, bunching the material in his fist. And then he’s closing the rest bit of distance.

Eskild’s breath catches in his throat.

Elias revels in the feeling of Eskild’s plush lips on his, can’t think clearly anymore when Eskild starts moving tentatively against him so that they’re actually kissing.

It’s like nothing Elias has ever felt before. Kissing girls has always been such a chore but this is perfect. With Eskild he just fits.

He’s not even embarrassed when he whines a little bit when Eskild pulls away. “That was… wow,” Eskild murmurs, still as close as before except that they’re not kissing anymore.

And Elias really can’t have that. He pulls Eskild in again where he’s still having a hold of his shirt before he wraps his arm around Eskild’s neck. This time the kiss turns more heated almost right away. Elias now knows what Eskild’s lips feel like against his and he wants more. There’s teeth and tongue and a hard brick wall in Elias’ back when Eskild pushes him against it, fitting his knee between Elias’ legs.

If this is what losing his mind feels like, Elias doesn’t want it to stop.

In any case, it does feel like he’s losing his heart.

“Okay, okay. _Faen_ ,” Eskild breathes against his lips much too soon, sounding absolutely wrecked.

Elias chases his lips but he doesn't get more than a peck. “Why?“ He pouts.

Eskild smiles, tracing Elias‘ bottom lip with his thumb. “Do you have _any_ idea,“ Eskild hums, “How happy you make me?“

It's impossible for Elias to understand why Eskild would say something like that. He didn't even do anything. So he shakes his head.

But he doesn't get an answer. Eskild just kisses him again, long and hard. “I should go, cutie,“ He sighs.

_Are you sure?_ Elias wants to ask but he realises there isn't really a different option. What are they supposed to so? March into the Bakkoush house so they can make out in Elias‘ room? That's hardly possible. “Fine,“ Elias nods, sounding petulant.

“I'll text you tomorrow,“ He promises. “Thanks again for an unforgettable date.“

“That was all you. I'll plan the next date,“ Elias tells him.

Eskild looks at him in awe. “I can't wait. Goodnight, Elias Bakkoush.“


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it's here! the final chapter!!!
> 
> First of all, I want to thank Rose and Fee for helping me out with the talk between Sana and Elias about Islam. I couldn't have done it without you. I love you <333
> 
> Marie and Paula, you were like my personal cheerleaders, always so excited for this story that I could keep writing even if I didn't feel like it. So this is for you, I hope you enjoy after a long work day and studying <3 You are seriously amazing and I love you so much <333 And I want to thank everyone else at Skamfiction as well for being so encouraging and lovely throughout this story.  
> Another shoutout goes to Anatolia here on ao3 for leaving amazing comments! <3 Of course, everyone else who left comments and kudos also deserves a big thank you. You're making me smile everyday and it's honestly the best feeling to see your support for this story that is admittedly a bit of a niche pairing. THANK YOU I LOVE YOU!
> 
> Btw, Elias is very very me in this chapter (well, he's been very me throughout the story but in this one especially)... I don't know if that's relevant but I thought I'd let you know xD   
> I also developed a burning hate for Nasir during this oops
> 
> All the love <3

If someone had told Elias two weeks ago that his life soon wouldn’t look as dreadful as it looked for the past year, that most of his problems would be solved, he’d have laughed or possibly thrown a big _fuck you_ at them. 

But now it’s Saturday morning after his date with Eskild, after Eskild called him by his name even after hooking up and Elias hasn’t stopped smiling ever since.

There’s a message on his phone from ten minutes ago, wishing him a good morning and three hearts. Elias didn’t realise he could be this happy. 

A soft knock on his door makes him look up. “Come in,” He says, expecting it to be his sister because as unaffected as she pretends to be, he knows she’s still curious how his date went.

“Hei,” Sana steps into the room, her long hair is cascading down her back and shoulders in velvety waves and there’s a sparkle in her eyes that if Elias has to guess has something to do with Yousef.

Elias raises an eyebrow. “Are you just gonna hover there?” He asks teasingly, “I _could_ be convinced to tell you about yesterday…”

Sana rolls her eyes. “I’m not interested in that,” She lies but walks farther into the room anyway, sitting down on his bed.

“Sure,” Elias snorts, “Why else are you here then? Quality time with your brother?” 

It’s incredible how indignant she can pretend to be. “ _Yes_! I’m allowed to want to spend time with my favourite brother!”

There’s no chance Elias believes that for one second. Sure, maybe she means the part about him being her favourite but everything else is absolute bullshit. “I’ve known you since you were a teeny-weeny baby and you’ve _never_ wanted to spend time with me if you didn’t have to,” He points out, smirking.

She huffs, “You’re an idiot! You were _two_ when I was born, you literally can’t remember what I was like back then!”

“I’m sure you already had that glare of yours perfected,” Elias smirks and then tries to imitate said glare.

Sana looks wholly unimpressed when she pushes him a little, making him fall back against the pillows, but the dimples appear in her cheeks and she rolls her eyes, a laugh escaping her lips when she falls back on the bed as well.

They’re quiet for a moment, just enjoying each other’s company. Then Elias’ phone alerts him to a new message and he giggles when he reads it.

“You’re so whipped,” Sana comments drily. Funnily enough, she gets a text of her own in that moment and the biggest smile appears on her face.

Elias can hold back for exactly three seconds before he teases, “You were saying?”

At no point in his life did Elias ever expect to find himself spending a lazy morning in bed with his sister, both of them grinning and gushing about their respective crushes. It’s just not something that seemed realistic. But Elias tells Sana about his date with Eskild and how easy it is to spend time with him and it makes her open up as well, her voice uncharacteristically quiet when she admits that no one has ever made her laugh harder or convinced her that her own opinion isn’t the be all and end all than Yousef.

And even when they’re quiet, it’s just _nice_. They’ve always been pretty close but Elias feels like now that he came out to his sister, their bond just got stronger.

When they’ve both been in their own little world for a while, Elias eventually breaks the silence. Eskild just asked when they can see each other again and it’s not even been twelve hours since they said goodbye with swollen lips and pounding hearts but it still seems too long ago. So of course Elias wants to see him again as soon as possible, but this feels like it’s getting serious and if that’s the case, he has to start _thinking_. “Do you ever…” He starts slowly, putting his phone away to focus fully on Sana. “Do you ever make up scenarios in your head where you tell our parents that you’re falling in love with Yousef?”

She notices the shift in mood and puts her phone away as well, propping herself up on her elbows to be able to look at him. “All the time,” She laughs but it sounds a little strained, “But like, it almost always ends up terrible so I— of course I’m going to tell them at some point. I mean, obviously. Just not right now because… I’m happy in this moment, with what Yousef and I have going and I don’t want this feeling to stop because mamma and pappa know about me loving someone who’s not part of our religion anymore, you know? Does that make sense?”

It absolutely makes sense. What he feels whenever he thinks about Eskild — which is all the time if he’s honest — is pure warmth and happiness and he wouldn’t want to destroy that by telling their parents and actually seeing their disapproving looks instead of just imagining them. “So you don’t think I’m a coward for keeping what’s developing between me and Eskild to myself for a while longer?”

Sana knocks her knee against Elias’, a silent show of support. “You’re so strong, Elias. So, so strong. Take all the time you need. Enjoy what’s happening right now and try not to think too hard about what our parents might say.”

Elias sighs and falls silent but he doesn’t stay like it for long. Before he can think — and think and think — about it for too long, he blurts, “Have you ever considered leaving Islam?”

That makes her sit up completely and she looks at him with her brow furrowed. “Never,” Sana says solemnly, “Was I frustrated with Islam before? Yes, definitely. Especially when I thought about how I am not allowed to marry a non-Muslim… or how the Quran states that my friends— that _you_ go to hell for loving with all your heart. I was angry. But then,” She smiles quietly, looking up from where she started to draw patterns on the duvet, “Then I realised that Allah’s love is endless. That he loves all his creations equally and wouldn’t want them to live a lie. Allah asks us to give him all our love and devotion but how can we give that to him when we’re not loving ourselves and others first? And isn't that what you do, what Isak and Even do, and what I do? The Islamic laws have been written down so many centuries ago… times and people change. I think it is okay to follow some things in the Quran word for word while others might take a bit of deciphering first.”

Sana has always had a different approach to their religion than Elias does. He knew the answer to that question before already, but he hoped that maybe he would get something more out of it. And as he’s lying there, looking at his sister who is so sure in what she believes, he thinks that maybe it isn’t as hopeless when he finally musters up the courage to come out to their parents. Maybe they will be as understanding as Sana is.

And maybe at some point, Elias can feel about Islam more like Sana does, instead of having his beliefs be more like a cage than anything else.

 

Elias hates Sundays with a passion. For one, because it means that another week has passed where he is nowhere closer to figuring his future out; he’s still in that limbo where he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do and it doesn’t help that one by one his friends start figuring it out. Yousef has started working in a kindergarten a couple months ago and Mutta is super excited for this course at university that Elias doesn’t remember the details of and subsequently makes him feel like a bad friend. Whenever they talk about their plans — which is not often because all of them get antsy about it — Mikael always answers with, “Something with film. Something cool and epic.” _Something that used to be his and Even’s thing_ , he doesn’t say but Elias can see it in his eyes. And Mikael may not have a clear path yet but at least he has a clue. Unlike Elias.

He’s interested in film too, music maybe. But he’s also really invested in politics and who knows, it’s possible that university isn’t even for him. (Of course there’s also his parents who would love to see him joining his father at the hospital but that has always been Sana’s path to take.) It’s easier now that he’s talking to Even again. Even, who is in the middle of repeating his third year at Nissen and who admitted to him a few days ago that he feels as lost as Elias.

It’s nice to not feel as alone.

Then there are the Sunday family dinners. There’s barely a chance to get out of them unless you’re down with the flu. And that means Elias has to endure his brother and his fiancee week after week. Happy, perfect, having life figured out.

_Great._

Elias is dressed in black jeans that feel too tight and a white button down that’s itchy when he’s used to wearing hoodies. 

There’s nothing more fun than looking like you have your life together when everyone knows you don’t.

Except putting on a smile when you open the door for your brother with his perfectly coiffed hair, the light stubble on his face a fashion statement rather than the unwillingness to shave four days in a row and an equally as perfect woman on his arm, both of them carrying themselves with a confidence Elias can only dream of.

Nasir and he have never been close. Using the three, almost four, years of age difference as the cause for that is the lie Elias can easily tell everyone — including himself. But the real reason is envy. 

Envy that stems from how put together Nasir always is but also because pretty early on, it became clear that he has one favourable trait that Elias is lacking: he’s a good Muslim; going to mosque frequently, keeping to prayer times, falling in love with a Muslim and intending to marry her. Naturally, that last bit is the part that is even more prominent in fuelling Elias’ hate for his older brother. Elias can force himself to at least appear like he has his life under control; he can make himself go to mosque and pray, there even were times when it looked like he was everything his parents wanted him to be. But Elias can’t make himself like girls. He tried. Dating Muslim girls, non-Muslim girls, kissing them, trying to go farther. But it’s impossible. 

And then there’s Nasir, picture perfect.

Elias doesn’t offer his brother more than a polite nod and even that feels like a hardship. It’s not even that the tension between them is one-sided. It’s a mutual feeling that neither of them tries to get rid of. Greeting Jamilla is a whole lot more warm with kisses to her cheeks and a genuine smile.

Soon enough, they’re all gathered around the table with Sherin’s delicious food steaming hot on their plates. Elias tells himself to relax. Dinner will soon be over and he will survive this.

Nasir tells their parents all about his new job at some _prestigious_ law firm that Elias doesn’t even pretend to listen to while his sister next to him talks to Jamilla about her training to become a nurse and about how Sana’s doing in school. They had a bit of a falling out for a while, Elias never quite knew what it was about but he’s happy to see them talk to each other again because he was there for the aftermath and while Sana never admitted it out loud he could see the toll their fight took on her.

Elias sits in between them, feeling like he’s floating. Not in a good way. He’s floating when everyone else has a clear future ahead of them: finishing school and studying medicine, training to become a nurse, lawyer, doctor, loving mother with a part-time office job… and he’s floating with nothing to hold on to, an uncertain future and a perpetual fear of failing, of not being enough.

It’s only when Nasir calls his name, sounding impatient as if he’s said it a couple times now, that Elias snaps back out of it. “Huh?” He acknowledges his brother dumbly. He’s not sure he wants to hear what Nasir has to say.

“What is it you’re doing again?” Nasir asks, the hint of a smirk on his lips, his eyes challenging. He might not live at home anymore but he’s still pretty up to date to what’s happening in all their lives. The question is only there to mock Elias. Simple as that.

The temperature in the room drops by several degrees and Sana presses her leg against Elias’ in silent support.

Elias swallows the food in his mouth and it feels like bricks in his stomach. “I’m… still looking into different things,” He chokes out, wants Nasir to choke instead.

Nasir raises his eyebrows, his gaze so condescending that it feels like it could break Elias.

He _won’t_ survive this dinner. No matter how short-lived it will be, he can’t do this.

Elias grits his teeth so hard it makes the muscles in his jaw jump. It hurts but anything is better than admitting that his brother can make him cry with a simple look. He’s not that weak and he won’t give Nasir that satisfaction.

It’s Sana who comes to the rescue in the end. Or at least she tries. “Did I tell you about how my biology partner, Isak, and I are on top of the class at the moment?”

“I did not expect anything else. Well done!” Shoukat smiles at her and well, the change of topic might have gotten Nasir off Elias’ back but being confronted with Sana’s accomplishments is decidedly not really better.

Their mother nods in agreement, wearing a similarly happy expression as her husband before her gaze darts from Sana to Elias. “Isak. Isn’t he that lovely boyfriend of Even? Truly, that boy couldn’t shut up about him on Wednesday! Elias, honey, when will Even come by again so I can make good on my promise to cook for him? He should bring Isak!”

The tightness around his heart loosens a little bit. He can breathe again and talking about Even will definitely be easier than talking about himself. (He feels a flicker of hope hearing how open Sherin is about Even having a boyfriend. It’s different with your own children presumably but at least she doesn’t seem completely averse to two men being in a relationship.)

He’s about to reply, even manages a small smile, when Nasir pipes up, “Even? Even Bech Næsheim? He has a boyfriend? Wasn’t he with Sonja for four years or something?”

Immediately, Elias’ smile drops and he’s as tense as before. Figures that the chance of having a peaceful dinner for once is out of the window now. “So?” Elias prompts, open hostility and a whole lot of protectiveness in his voice. He doesn’t really need a reason to loathe his brother but when he’s clearly about to be homophobic toward a boy who’s faced enough demons while coming to terms with his sexuality, it drives Elias up the wall.

“It’s just a bit weird,” Nasir says nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders as he digs back into his food.

It’s eerily quiet around the table, no one really knowing how to steer the conversation in a different direction. Elias is almost glad to have Nasir say that because it means he doesn’t feel small and worthless anymore, that he is able to speak up about this and confront his brother. “Weird how?” Elias challenges, his knuckles turning white around his fork and knife. He can barely feel Sana putting a hand on his thigh to calm him or the imploring look she’s sending him, warning him to not get deeper into this.

Elias doesn’t listen to her. He can’t. He’s gay and he’d rather like to hear what Nasir thinks about that now when he is talking about someone else that isn’t family so he isn’t intimidated by that bond and just lays his feelings out.

Jamilla puts a hand on Nasir’s arm, mumbling something that is too quiet for anyone else to hear but she’s probably trying to get her fiancé to drop it. Oblivious to the tension in the room or simply not caring for it, Nasir says, “You know. We hung out with him so much, he seemed normal.” 

Elias has been radiating anger for the last couple minutes and that anger is now exploding. He jumps out of his seat, startling all of them, including himself. His whole body is trembling and he’s breathing hard as he’s staring down his brother, who leans back in his chair, looking slightly taken aback but mostly just amused. Like he’s waiting what else the show has to offer. Elias feels sick.

With all the authority he can muster, Shoukat clips, “Elias, sit down. What is going on? There’s no need to react like this!”

“This is nothing—“

Elias interrupts his mother. “No!” Elias yells, hating how much his voice quivers even on such a small word, “I’m gonna say this now. You think this is nothing? It is fucking _everything_. Wanna say that again, Nasir? How Even isn’t normal? He’s in love, what’s wrong with that?” Elias takes a deep breath but it helps nothing to calm him down, “I guess at least I now know that I won’t introduce my boyfriend to _you_.” He pushes his chair back, the force of it making it clatter to the ground, and storms out.

He ignores the commotion he has caused in the dining room the same way he ignores Sana calling his name. The adrenaline pumping through his veins makes him fast enough so that even though she tries to go after him, she can’t catch up and he’s out the front door.

Elias’ strides are long and aimless and by the time he can stop for a moment to catch his breath and appreciate the cold wind nipping at his bare arms and making him shiver in his thin shirt, he’s already passed two tram stops.

The next one isn’t far away so he walks there. It’s maybe a little pathetic how his first instinct is to get to kollektivet instead of the boys. He reckons that is still better than going to the next supermarket to buy alcohol and get absolutely wasted. He almost can’t believe that just a week ago, he’d probably have done exactly that.

Elias is glad for the heating in the tram when he boards it fifteen minutes later, stubbornly staring at the ground because he can’t look anyone in the face when they probably think he’s gone absolutely mad, dressed in nothing but a button down when it’s freezing outside.

The rumbling of the tram is almost soothing.

He still feels frantic when he rings the doorbell of the kollektiv, only barely sighing in relief when he’s buzzed in and then he’s almost sprinting up the stairs. So ready for a hug that it almost hurts.

The door to the flat is opened and Elias can already feel the comfort of kollektivet wrapping around him when he catapults himself into warm and soothing arms.

It’s not Eskild but maybe Even is even better right in that second because they know each other so well that he doesn’t ask questions, just wraps his arms around Elias and lets him sob into his neck. “Relax, I’ve got you,” Even whispers, rubbing his hands over Elias’ back and it’s so familiar that he manages to calm down a little.

“Fuck, sorry,” Elias pulls away, wiping his nose with the back of his hand and blinking wet lashes at Even.

Even just furrows his brow, doesn’t even move to wipe the wetness from his neck. There’s only concern in his eyes. 

He’s about to say something when Eskild calls from the living room, “Even! What’s taking so long? You’re missing the best part! Who’s—“ He appears in the hallway, eyes widening when he takes in the two. He sounds alarmed when he asks, “What’s wrong, cutie? Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

_Not physically._ Elias lets Eskild come closer and touch his face, brush his cheeks and make sure that he’s not hurt. In any other situation, Eskild’s wandering eyes would have had a completely different effect on him. Right now, Elias is just exhausted. So fucking tired.

Even shoots him a questioning look that Elias can only just reply to with a weak nod that makes Even leave them alone.

“What happened?” Eskild asks again and Elias realises that maybe it was a stupid idea to barge in on someone’s Sunday night when they’re connected by nothing more than a first date. It doesn’t matter how much more it means to Elias.

It’s painful but Elias says it anyway, “Maybe I should go. This was stupid.”

Eskild shakes his head frantically. “Nei! You’re staying! Come on, I’ll get you a hoodie, you’re ice cold.” He links their fingers and pulls Elias in the direction of his room.

As soon as the door is closed behind them, it’s as if the world stopped spinning. There’s nothing else beyond this room.

Elias knows he’s safe now but when he tries to get more oxygen into his lungs, it feels like his shirt is suffocating him. Like the ghost of Nasir is clinging to him, trying to pull him under again. Panic is rising in Elias’ chest and he claws at the soft fabric that feels nothing but harsh under his fingertips. He rips it open, several buttons falling off but then it drops off his shoulders and on the ground and he feels free.

He didn’t notice that fresh tears have started rolling down his cheeks until Eskild grabs his face in his hands and brushes them away. “Elias, babe,” He implores, “Can you try and breathe with me?” He takes one hand away from Elias’ face and grabs his hand instead, placing it on his chest, right over his heart. 

He keeps his own hand over it and with his other hand still brushing Elias’ cheek and the warmth and steady rhythm of Eskild’s heartbeat under his touch, Elias slowly calms down.

“Okay, good,” Eskild whispers, smiling softly. He lets go of Elias after another moment and grabs a hoodie from his closet that he helps Elias into before zipping it up. Elias feels like a child and he won’t blame Eskild if he never wants to see him again after this.

For now though, Eskild just pulls him into a hug, holding him as tight as possible.

And then Elias does something stupid. He pulls slightly away from Eskild, only so far that his nose can brush Eskild’s cheek and he whispers, “Kiss me?”

He should have expected it. Shouldn’t feel so crushed when Eskild hesitates, and eventually shakes his head. Eskild is rejecting him. “Elias…” He sighs.

Elias shakes his head frantically, and what is it with all those tears? _Fuck_. The safety he felt minutes ago is gone in an instant and rationally thinking, Elias knows he’s panicking, probably overreacting but he’s so scared. Just yesterday he thought his life was finally looking up and now he’s losing everyone who’s important to him. “Is this it?” He asks desperately, “What. You got your little make out session in a dark corner so now this is over? We’re not— I was just— fuck! Fuck you, Eskild! Do you want me to leave? I’m not welcome here anymore, am I?”

“No, no, no!” Eskild immediately exclaims, grabbing Elias’ hands and holding on tight, “What the fuck? Elias, babe, you gotta calm down. Please? Can you please try to calm down? I’m in this.” He pulls Elias back in so they’re as close as possible without melting into one. “I’m in this,” He repeats, “Completely. I just— I keep my promises, okay? And I already wasn’t doing very well with this one…”

_Promises?_ Elias can’t follow. But he still tries to do as Eskild told him; focus on his breathing so he stops freaking out because Eskild is _right there_ and hasn’t kicked him out yet, still holding on. And when his thoughts are not running a million miles an hour and he doesn’t see his whole world falling apart right in front of his eyes, he realises what Eskild meant with that stupid promise. And he really doesn’t care. He just came out to his family in the worst possible way, his brother is not only a twat but homophobic as well and he just does not care for a no kissing rule when he just needs to feel close to Eskild right now because this seems like the only thing that might get him out of his panic.

Elias crashes their lips together in a wet and messy kiss. (If Eskild didn’t have a reason to kick Elias out before, he might as well do it now for getting assaulted like that.)

“Elias,” Eskild mumbles into the kiss, “Elias, please.” He’s not really kissing back and Elias gets it because he’s not desirable in any way.

But he’s desperate and being hurt and desperate is a dangerous mix. “Don’t you want me?” He asks. He’s pathetic.

Eskild rests his forehead against Elias’, keeping him close but stopping the kissing. “There’s nothing I want more,” He whispers and it sounds like a promise, “But I think what we both need right now is a good, long cuddle. Are you okay with that?” He steers Elias in the direction of the bed, pulling the duvet aside so they can slip in.

Eskild makes sure they’re under the covers properly with Elias resting his head on his chest and his arms wrapped around Eskild’s middle. Eskild’s fingers move soothingly against Elias’ scalp and his other arm is wrapped around him. “Is this good?”

Elias stays quiet. He’s slowly starting to think more clearly again and he’d rather not say anything else that’s just stupid. However, he manages a small nod.

Craning his neck a little, Eskild presses a short kiss against Elias’ forehead which makes Elias tighten his grip around him. “Do you want to tell me what upset you?” It’s a bit of an understatement really. “Why you were dressed up all fancy?”

It’s a little easier to focus on the second part of the question and that’s undoubtedly the reason why Eskild asked it in the first place. “I had dinner with my family,” He mumbles, closing his eyes against Nasir’s judging glance flickering before his eyes.

“You look hot in a button down,” Eskild hums, an attempt at normalcy that actually works.

“It makes me feel like a monkey in clothes,” Elias shoots back, taking a deep breath, his nose filling with that by now familiar lavender scent.

Eskild chuckles quietly, his hand moving from Elias’ head to his shoulder, massaging the tension out of it. “And how does a monkey in clothes feel?”

“Like shit.”

They fall silent for a bit, both of them stuck in their own thoughts. Eventually, Elias whispers, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here,” He feels Eskild take a deep breath, ready to protest but he looks up, tracing his finger against Eskild’s lips, needing to say this, “I shouldn’t have come here and attacked you like that. My head is all over the place and I—“ _I don’t want to lose you_ , “I got all insecure. I mean, I guess I’m always insecure and…”

He trails off when Eskild kisses his forehead again and then his nose. “Elias,” He murmurs, smiles when he continues, “Cutie. Thank you for apologising. But maybe I should say sorry as well. This is all new to me, I’m not used to wanting to be with someone like I want to be with you and I gave you that promise to protect myself as well as I want to protect you. I’m not going anywhere unless you ask me to, okay?”

Something in his chest lurches. Eskild is serious about this, he doesn’t care how messed up Elias is. He’s going to stay. “I came out to my family. Or… I threw it in their faces before running off.” He adds tentatively, “I think I told them you’re my boyfriend.”

Eskild freezes but before any doubt can take over again in Elias’ brain, Eskild grins. “You better. Don’t want you to call anyone else your boyfriend!” He taps Elias’ nose affectionately, making him scrunch up his face. “What happened?” His voice is serious again, “Did they… not take it well?”

Elias shrugs. “I didn’t stay to hear what they have to say. It’s— my brother made some rude comments about Even which is why I snapped. I didn’t plan for this to happen.”

“I’m sorry,” Eskild whispers and he sounds seriously chocked up.

Instantly, Elias’ sense of wanting to protect him kicks in. He sits up, eyeing Eskild worriedly. “What’s wrong?”

Eskild shakes his head, “Don’t you worry about me, cutie.” He pulls on Elias’ arm to make him lie down again, “Come on, let’s get some sleep!”

Only because his bones feel so fucking heavy does Elias give in, making a mental note to follow up on the issue later. But sleep really sounds like heaven right now.

 

Something is tickling Elias’ nose, he scrunches his face a couple of times, trying to stop the feeling so he can go back to sleep. When it eventually makes him sneeze, he thinks he finally got rid of it but then he hears someone giggling and he furrows his brow. Something’s not right.

He opens his eyes slowly only to be faced by Eskild’s sparkling eyes and grin, dangling a small feather in front of Elias’ nose. “What are you doing?” Elias rumbles, “Where did you even get a fucking feather?”

“I was bored so I decided to wake you up. The bedding was very cooperative,” Eskild explains, brushing the feather against Elias’ nose again, making him sneeze a second time. “Damn, you’re cute.”

Eskild feels his cheeks heat. He’d describe himself as anything but cute right after waking up. Eskild, on the other hand, is very cute right after Elias wakes up. (To be fair, he’s always cute, though.) “So now that I’m awake what did you plan to do? Make out a little?” Elias teases, surprised by his own boldness.

He opens his mouth to reply, then closes it again, a faint blush on his cheeks. “I didn’t really think this through.”

Elias leans closer, nudging Eskild’s nose with his. “Thanks for letting me stay,” He mumbles, wrapping his arms around Eskild.

“I like having you in my bed,” Eskild pulls him closer by the waist so that there’s not a millimetre left between them — with the exception of their lips, which are regrettably unkissed.

But Elias has a plan to change that. “I like being in your bed,” He tells him and his voice is still rough from sleep, giving his words a nice side effect. “And you know… since we’re boyfriends, we actually _could_ make out to fight your boredom.” His heart is pounding and it sounds a little bit like a question. The only thing Eskild said yesterday was that he doesn’t want Elias to call _anyone else_ his boyfriend. That doesn’t mean that _they_ are.

Eskild sighs and closes his eyes, but there’s a smile playing on his lips. “You have a point there,” He concedes and Elias pats himself on the back mentally.

“I do,” He grins. “Now,” He sneaks a peck on Eskild’s lips before pulling away, “I’ll go brush my teeth and shower.”

Eskild falls from his side on his back and sighs dramatically. “You’re an awful boyfriend! Teasing me like that!”

All the way to the bathroom and long after that, Elias can’t stop grinning like a lunatic. Apparently, he has a boyfriend now. It’s possibly the best feeling in the world.

Naturally, he’s still embarrassed about his breakdown yesterday but he tries not to think about it (or what led to it) while showering and, after finding an unused toothbrush, brushing his teeth.

He realises that he didn’t borrow fresh clothes from Eskild before going to the bathroom only when he steps out of the shower and wraps himself in a lavender-coloured towel that matches its lavender scent so he dejectedly steps back into his boxers and pulls on the hoodie, picking up the jeans instead of putting them back on because they’re uncomfortable and he plans to spend all day in bed with Eskild and for that he can just borrow some sweatpants.

Spend all day in bed, _making out_. The nerves start hitting Elias all of a sudden and his heart is in his throat when he walks back into Eskild’s room. He doesn’t dare looking at Eskild until he quietly closed the door and leans back against it; only then does he slowly lift his gaze.

And promptly finds Eskild meet his eyes. He’s sitting on the bed, leaning against the headboard. “Hey you,” He grins, putting his phone on the bedside table. His eyebrows are slightly cocked as if he’s waiting for Elias’ next move.

Elias clutches the jeans tighter to his chest. Why is he suddenly so nervous? _He_ suggested in the first place to make out. What’s wrong with him?

They’re in somewhat of a staring match until Eskild breaks it and chuckles. “You know, boyfriends don’t always have to make out. Sometimes they can just lie in bed and talk,” He suggests quietly.

Elias nods jerkily. He can do that. Tentatively, he walks closer to the bed, dropping the jeans on the way. Eskild is waiting for him with open arms and Elias doesn’t hesitate to fall into them. It’s easier when they’re touching.

“This is nice,” Eskild murmurs after a moment when Elias has settled down with his head tugged under Eskild’s chin. “I forgot what it’s like to hold someone just for the sake of it. This is really nice,” He repeats, squeezing Elias a little closer.

Elias smiles to himself, feeling the nerves slowly dissipating. “It is,” He agrees.

They spend the morning like that, huddled together and just talking about the most random things, both of them carefully dancing around the topic of Elias’ coming out because he really doesn’t want to think about that disaster right now and Eskild doesn’t push it.

Only when the doorbell rings is their time together interrupted. Eskild gets out of bed but before he does so he presses a short kiss to Elias’ lips. It feels natural.

It makes the fire in Elias’ chest spread through his whole body and he curses the outside world for still existing. And it exists loudly and annoyingly because the ringing of the doorbell doesn’t stop until Elias hears Eskild open the door.

The voices are too quiet to understand so Elias just waits until Eskild finally comes back — hoping it won’t take too long.

However, when Eskild returns it’s with a sheepish expression. “Sana is in the kitchen, she wouldn’t leave… I think you have to talk to her,” He drops the bomb on Elias.

Immediately it’s as if all the happiness leaves Elias’ body at once. It isn’t because he doesn’t want to see his sister; in fact, he expected her here way earlier but she’s probably here to tell him what their parents think of him now. Maybe even that it’s better if he doesn’t come home at all anymore.

“Hey babe,” Eskild crosses the distance between them, kneeling down on the bed. He cups Elias’ face in his hands like he does so often to calm him down. “You told me she accepted you, right? Why should she have changed her mind? You’re going to be okay, Elias.” It’s not quite the reason of his fear but Elias is glad to have Eskild here with him anyway.

Eskild hugs him for a while before Elias takes a deep breath and stands up to face his sister.

“Elias!” Sana exclaims when he steps into the kitchen and she sounds relieved. About what Elias isn’t sure; maybe that he’s looking less hungover than she thought he would. When she comes to hug him, he knows it has to be bad. Sana would never voluntarily hug him like that. “Ugh,” She sighs, “You’re spending too much time with Eskild. Such a dramatic exit yesterday!”

It’s an attempt at making light of the situation and Elias hates it. He manages a small smile anyway because he doesn’t want Sana to feel as bad as him.

“How are you?” She asks gently, still holding his hands even though they’re not hugging anymore.

The situation at home has to be really fucking bad.

So he doesn’t give her an answer and instead asks a question of his own, “How bad?” He can’t get more words out but judging by her barely hidden grimace, it’s enough.

“They’re not going to throw you out if that’s what you’re thinking,” Sana tells him.

Well, that isn’t the most soothing thing he’s ever heard. There’s panic ringing in his voice when he says, “They’re talking about that?”

Sana cringes, realising she said the wrong thing. “No, Elias. Don’t be ridiculous. They love you!”

Elias huffs. “I’m not so sure about that…” He mumbles quietly, remembers the shock in their gazes when he spit it out.

“Listen,” Sana takes a deep breath, tugging on his hands so they can sit down at the kitchen table, “Mamma and pappa love you. I’m not gonna lie, they were shocked and they probably still are but that doesn’t mean they hate you, okay? I really can’t tell you a lot because they don’t talk about it in front of me but it’s going to be fine! I came here to check on you so please, can you just tell me if I can do anything for you?”

Elias hides his face in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut. Is it really too much to ask for his parents’ forgiveness? To hope that somehow they can accept him despite being gay? He feels his eyes welling up but he’s done so much crying and he really doesn’t want to in front of Sana so he grits his teeth, fighting against the feeling and drops his hands on the table. He can barely look his sister in the eyes (who looks too compassionate, too worried) when he asks, “Nasir?”

The answer she gives him makes the dread pooling in Elias’ stomach turn into solid brick. “Fuck Nasir, honestly. Who cares about him?” If there was hope, Sana would never beat around the bush like this.

“Sana,” Elias’ voice breaks and he stands up quickly to be able to turn his back to her so she doesn’t see him like this. He really shouldn’t care so much about his dick of a brother. But somehow, Nasir’s opinion of him still matters to him.

“Fuck,” Sana mutters but she stays seated and Elias is glad that she leaves him the space. “Maybe it’s not that bad. Maybe we’re reading too much into this… literally the only thing he said after you were gone was that he didn’t expect that from you. That’s pretty neutral, huh?”

It almost hurts more to hear her defend their brother than hearing her telling him what his family thinks of him. But Elias knows Sana is just trying to calm him down. “You were there when he talked about Even…”

“Even isn’t family, you are.” Sana is stubborn like that, trying to see the best in people. Elias can’t really hold that against her.

But it’s also pretty fucking hard to look at her right now. “I think you should go,” He whispers, back still turned to her.

He hears the chair scraping across the floor and even though he expected it, he still startles when she puts her hand on his back. “Elias? Can you please come back home with me?” Both of them know the question is unnecessary because the answer is clear.

“I can’t right now, I’m sorry.”

Elias doesn’t say how scared he is because it’s obvious anyway and Sana doesn’t push it more. She squeezes his arm in comfort, then thinks better of it and wraps her arms around his neck, hugging him for at least a minute. “I love you,” She whispers before she pulls away, smiling tentatively at him before she leaves.

Before Elias can break down right there in the kitchen, he goes back to Eskild’s room.

Eskild jumps up from the bed right away, eyeing Elias worriedly. “Are you okay? What did Sana say?” He asks urgently.

Elias wonders why he’s not coming closer. He just wants Eskild’s arms around him. “She thinks our parents don’t hate me for being gay,” His voice is small and sad but when he continues, he almost sounds angry, “If they have nothing against it, why didn’t they say anything? Why didn’t they stop Nasir from saying those things? Why did they tell me it’s nothing? Why if they don’t hate me?”

“Oh Elias,” Eskild finally goes in for a hug. He doesn’t say more and honestly, Elias is glad for it because he knows there’s nothing he could say right now that would make Elias feel better.

It’s almost automatic that they end up back in bed with Eskild wrapping Elias in his arms and pressing a kiss against Elias’ forehead in reassurance. Elias is so tired of sad kisses. He wants happy ones. He wants Eskild to kiss him for real and he wants those kisses to be so smiley that they’re not even really kissing anymore.

Elias is just so done with sadness.

Unfortunately, it’s not that easy to shake it off. 

Hoping to distract himself a little and possibly find encouragement in Eskild’s story, Elias asks, “How did you come out to your parents? What was their reaction?”

Eskild laughs but it sounds choked and quite frankly fake. “If you’re looking for a happy story, you’re asking the wrong person, cutie.” His tone leaves no room to press the topic.

Elias feels queasy. So much for a distraction. Now he can’t stop thinking about what Eskild might have had to go through and the picture frames above Eskild’s bed that Elias had already thought about as his family make even more sense now. How can he think now that he’s lucky enough to face a different destiny?

“I can hear you thinking, babe. Stop it… it really doesn’t help anything,” Eskild mumbles, wiggling around until Elias isn’t lying half on top of him anymore and they’re instead facing each other.

Elias traces Eskild’s eyebrow with his thumb. “Thank you for being here for me,” He whispers, “And I’m sorry that your coming out didn’t go well.” He wants to ask what exactly happened but knows that it’d be crossing a line. He just hopes Eskild knows he’ll be here if he ever needs someone to talk to.

Eskild shrugs, scooting a little closer even though there’s barely any space between them already. “It’s so long ago… I barely think about it anymore. I just don’t want you to have to go through the same thing, not that I think you will. My parents have the life-long prerogative of the award for shittiest parents.”

Elias kisses him. It’s him saying _I’m sorry about your shitty parents and thank you for believing my parents won’t be like that and I really really like you, I hope you know that_.

Eskild returns the kiss just as desperately, his lips imprinting _You mean so much to me and I will never let you go_ on Elias’ lips and something in Elias settles: if everything else goes to shit, at least he finally feels like he’ll have Eskild there to catch him.

They’ve been making out for a while and Elias can’t help revelling in the feeling of light stubble scratching at his cheeks and a hard chest pressing against him instead of soft breasts and more hardness pressing against his thigh. It’s an amazing feeling but it takes Elias hilariously long to realise that he’s actually making out with a _guy_. It’s ridiculous really.

Elias is kissing a guy, he’s kissing _Eskild_ and he can’t believe it’s taken him twenty years (or, well, a little less than that considering he didn’t come out of his mother’s womb and started kissing girls right away) to let himself have this. Kissing used to be so boring but nothing about Eskild’s exploring hands and tongue is anywhere near boring.

So far Elias kept his hands mostly on Eskild’s shoulders and arms or in his hair, unsure where else to put them but Eskild’s eagerness and his own curiosity push him to let them wander now. Along Eskild’s back that is surprisingly more muscular than expected by just looking at him. He chickens out when he reaches the waistband of Eskild’s sweatpants, can’t quite get himself to go farther so one hand flies up to Eskild’s hair again, pulling him in closer, their kisses so hard that they must leave bruises behind and Elias’ other hand moves to explore the flat planes of Eskild’s stomach. He feels Eskild shuddering beneath him and he grins against his lips when he flicks his thumb against his nipple, making Eskild moan.

His boldness encourages Eskild who trails his lips down Elias’ jaw to kiss his neck and then he’s pushing the hoodie Elias is wearing out of the way so he can flick his tongue over Elias’ collarbone before he’s sucking lightly on the sensitive skin there. His collarbones have always been Elias’ soft spot and his hips jerk up of their own volition, making them both moan.

Elias pushes Eskild away a little then because this is going way too fast. He’s a panting mess and has possibly never been this turned on but he also knows that if he goes any farther right now, he’d regret it later. “Give me…” He pants, unable to form proper sentences.

But Eskild understands him anyway. “Yeah… wow.”

Elias laughs because he feels happy and he hasn’t once thought about his troubles in the past thirty minutes. He turns his head to press another kiss against Eskild’s lips, this one much more chaste than before.

“You know,” Eskild chuckles, turning to his side to be able to watch Elias, “I lied this morning.”

Elias raises an eyebrow, wondering what he’s talking about.

Eskild’s eyes are gleaming and his smile is blinding. “You’re not an awful boyfriend at all. You’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had,” He concludes.

Teasing, Elias says, “Figures, since I’m the only one…”

Eskild rolls his eyes. “Oh, shush. You know what I mean, cutie. I was trying to be romantic here!”

That makes Elias giggle and he hides his burning cheeks against Eskild’s neck, sighing contentedly when Eskild wraps his arms around him.

 

As they skipped breakfast, they’re so hungry at some point that Eskild reluctantly leaves his room to make them some sandwiches and when he returns with their food, he tells Elias that Isak and Even invited them to join them for movie night.

Elias would feel rude to decline the invitation so they find themselves in the living room at around eight where Even and Isak already are, cuddling on the big couch. Linn is curled up in the armchair so that leaves the love seat for Elias and Eskild. Elias spent the whole day with Eskild, cuddling, kissing, touching but it still makes him jittery to think that they’re probably expected to snuggle up to each other now as well. In front of so many people.

“Hey Linn, this is my boyfriend Elias,” Eskild introduces him.

Linn’s eyebrows shoot up and Elias catches Even’s shit-eating grin. “Boyfriend, huh? Nice to meet you!” She says before returning her attention to the pizza boxes on the coffee table, seemingly struggling a little with which one to choose.

Elias awkwardly sits down on the sofa, wringing his hands in his lap.

Even notices it of course and asks him with just his eyes if he’s okay. Elias nods barely noticeable and shoots his best friend a small smile while Isak pipes up, “Help yourself to some pizza! We have pepperoni, pineapple and veggie.”

Eskild sits down next to Elias and the distance between them feels insurmountable. “What are we watching?” He asks.

“Crazy, Stupid, Love,” Linn answers, “As per Even’s request.” She looks annoyed but there’s fondness ringing in her voice.

“It’s one of my favourites,” Even pipes up and adds pointedly with a look at Elias and Eskild, “So get comfortable and enjoy!”

Neither Eskild nor Elias move. Elias wants to die of embarrassment. Eventually, Eskild sighs — he wiggled around a little and just couldn’t get comfortable. In a whisper, he asks, “Do you want to cuddle? It’s okay if you don’t…”

Thinking that they’re settled in — and very obviously disapproving the arrangement with a roll of his eyes — Even starts the movie, leaning back into Isak’s embrace with an ease that Elias wishes he had.

Elias grits his teeth, scolding himself to get over it and nods. “Yeah, sure,” He says, surprised that he sounds almost nonchalant.

Eskild shuffles around so that he’s with his back to the armrest, stuffing a cushion behind his back and then he opens his legs, indicating for Elias to mirror the position Isak and Even are in.

His heart is doing crazy things but with Eskild’s arm around his chest and his chin resting on Elias’ shoulder, he calms down after only a couple of moments.

They’re halfway through the movie and completely done with the pizzas when Elias’ phone suddenly rings. He put it in the pocket of the sweatpants Eskild lent him out of habit earlier. When he holds it in his hand, he can only stare blankly at it. The caller ID says _Pappa_. Through the sudden numbness, he feels Eskild hugging him tighter. He can’t react to that or the call and when it eventually stops ringing, the silence it leaves behind is even more deafening.

“Fuck, I gotta—“ Elias mumbles, scrambling to get up.

Both Even and Eskild say at the same time, “Are you—“ 

But Elias cuts them off with a curt, “Yeah.” And then he hurries to Eskild’s room, not even turning the light on before he all but stumbles to sit on the bed. He’s staring at the screen of his phone where he’s alerted to a missed call and a voicemail.

It takes him seven minutes until he’s tapping the screen to listen to his father’s voicemail. He’s by no means anywhere near ready but prolonging the inevitable doesn’t make him feel better either.

“Elias,” The tears start falling as soon as he hears his father say his name in that gentle voice of his, not a hint of anger or disappointment in it, “Where are you? Your mamma and I are worried. Sana said you’re okay but we’d like to hear it from you.” There is a pause in which Shoukat takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry if our reaction during dinner yesterday made you feel like you had to leave and that you can’t talk to us. I wish I could talk to you in person but I understand that you feel like you have to protect yourself. I’m sorry that we failed you as parents. Just know this: Allah did not bless us with three wonderful children for us to abandon one of them because he loves a person of the same gender. Our love for you is endless. Please come home, son.”

The beep announces the end of the voicemail and Elias is a mess. He didn’t think it was possible to cry even more than he did yesterday when he showed up at kollektivet. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” He sobs, his nose clogged up with snot in seconds and his face sticky with tears. And through it all, he’s smiling.

He was so scared of their reaction that he made up all those different scenarios in which his parents kicked him out or told him he was no longer their son that he didn’t stop to imagine what it could be like if they accepted him. He didn’t realise that to raise their children with compassion and so much love, they have to have those traits as well.

There’s a careful knock on the door and Eskild asks quietly, “Are you okay, babe?”

Elias nods before he realises Eskild can’t see him. “Y-yeah. Give me a second?” His chest feels light and all he really wants to do right now is tell his parents that they did not fail him.

It takes another moment to pull himself together and then he gets up and walks back to the living room. He’s hovering in the doorway and squirms when four curious pairs of eyes land on him.

“Okay?” Even makes sure.

Elias nods. They probably get a different idea from his eyes that are undoubtedly puffy from crying. “Yeah. I— I think I gotta go home for a bit…”

Understanding immediately, Even and Eskild both break into huge smiles and Eskild jumps off the couch immediately to go up to Elias. “I’ll walk you to the door.” That shouldn’t be so charming with the door literally five steps away.

“Is it okay if I don’t change right now? You’ll get your clothes back later…” Elias mumbles, tugging on the hem of his hoodie.

Eskild smiles and rolls his eyes. “Of course, cutie. So… your parents took your coming out better than you expected?” He asks carefully.

Elias shrugs, smiling bashfully. “Pappa left me a voicemail, telling me they love me no matter what,” He mumbles, stepping forward to hug Eskild around his middle and pressing his cheek against Eskild’s chest.

Eskild wraps his arms around him, rubbing his hands over his back. “I’m so happy for you, Elias.”

“Thanks for putting up with me, seriously.” Elias said that so many times before probably but he just really means it.

Eskild pulls away a little from the hug but only to peck Elias’ lips. “Anytime, boyfriend. Text or call me later if you feel like it, or tomorrow, okay? Just let me know you’re okay…”

It’s an incredible feeling to have someone care so much about him. Elias leans in and lets the kiss turn heated for a bit. He’s flushed and giddy when he pulls away. “We gotta finish that movie some other time,” He says before leaving.

 

When he’s back home, he lets himself quietly inside. From the outside he could already see his mother pottering around in the kitchen and he expects his dad to be there as well so this is where he goes.

Sherin spots him right away, dropping what she’s doing immediately to walk up to him hurriedly. She grabs his face in her hands, kissing both his cheeks before wrapping him up in a fierce hug. “My boy,” She cries, “I’m so glad you’re back! You got us so worried!” 

He meets his father’s gaze over her shoulder, who smiles at him. “I’m sorry,” He mumbles.

“No. Do not say sorry, Elias. It’s our fault that you felt that way,” She pulls away from the hug, holding onto his shoulders and letting her eyes wander over him as if to check that he is unharmed.

Shoukat gets up from where he sat at the kitchen table and gently moves his wife out of the way so he can hug Elias as well. “We’re very sorry that you ever had the feeling you couldn’t tell us something so important about yourself and instead had to hide,” He says, squeezing Elias’ shoulder.

Sherin nods along to his words and adds, “We love you so much, Elias. Nothing will ever change that. You’re our son and we’re blessed to have you in our lives.”

Elias fights hard not to start crying all over again. There was a time in his life when he never cried. Now he can’t really remember what that was like. “I love you too,” He croaks, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes to contain the tears, “And you’re not— you didn’t fail as parents.”

To that, Sherin objects, “You didn’t feel safe and loved in your home… that’s a very big deal.”

Elias shakes his head because he was the one who probably overreacted and he doesn’t want his parents to feel bad about that when really they’re amazing people. “I was just upset about Nasir’s words.”

“Your brother loves you too,” Shoukat tells him.

That’s impossible to believe. Elias huffs, “He has a funny way of showing that.”

They fall silent after that until Sherin blurts, “That boyfriend of yours, is he nice to you? You only deserve the best, honey.”

At that, Elias smiles. It feels weird to talk to his parents about Eskild but it’s also very nice. “His name is Eskild… it’s really new but yes, he’s very good to me. I like him a lot and— _what_?”

Both his parents wear matching big smiles, it’s almost creepy. “We gotta meet him,” Sherin decides, “Someone who makes you beam like that has to be really special.” And then she’s in planning mum mode, tapping her index finger against her chin, “Does your Eskild like food? Mmh probably. He has to eat at some point so I could cook for him! Oh, does he know Even? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. They can meet! We’ll just have a big dinner with Even and Isak and Eskild. How about you invite the rest of the boys as well? It will be so lovely to have the house full of people! Maybe Sana wants to invite her friends as well!”

Elias just blinks uselessly at her. He’s a bit overwhelmed. When he said his and Eskild’s relationship is really new, he _meant_ really new. As in two, maybe three days, new. The last thing on his mind is introducing Eskild to his parents.

“Now, sweetheart. Why don’t you relax for a moment and give Elias some time to get used to his relationship…” Shoukat suggests, a fond smile on his lips.

Elias shoots him a grateful smile. “Thanks, pappa. And I’ll… let him know,” He mumbles, though he’s thinking to himself that he’ll wait for a while until he drops the bomb of his parents wanting to meet his boyfriend on Eskild.

When he eventually said goodnight to his parents and goes to his room, he stops at his sister’s door and knocks. Hearing her “Yeah?” he opens the door and peeks inside.

Sana is lying on her stomach on her bed, her laptop in front of her. She can’t hide the surprise on her face to see Elias. “Halla,” She greets him around a smile.

Elias returns it and says, “I just wanted to let you know that I’m back…”

“I can see that,” She grins, “Everything good?”

He shrugs. Elias wouldn’t say _everything_ is good but he nods anyway. This is maybe as good as it gets and he can’t really complain about that. “I guess. I’m…” Thinking about it for a moment, he finishes, “Happy.” He really means it, too. 

Sana nods thoughtfully, hesitating a little before she tells him, “I gave Nasir a piece of my mind and I talked to Jamilla who also thinks his behaviour was inexcusable so he’s probably going to hear it from her as well.”

Instead of being worried about that, he feels a wave of affection and love for his sister hit him. “You’re a pretty cool sister, you know that?” 

The dimples in her cheeks are popping. “You’re not so bad yourself,” She allows, “Now leave me alone, I have stuff to do!”

_Stuff_ probably involves texting Yousef but he’s not stupid enough to point that out. “Fine!” He sighs over-dramatically, “Goodnight, Sana.”

He almost closed the door already when she calls after him, “Elias?” So he turns around, waiting for her to continue, “It’s good to have you back.” It sounds like much more than only being glad of having him back _home_.

Once Elias is in his room, he can hold back exactly five minutes before giving in and texting Eskild. And that is only because he puts on his pyjama and snuggles up in bed first.

_everything went well. i’m okay except that i’d rather be in bed with you than alone_

_i’m glad you’re okay <3 miss you in my bed_

_trying to not seem desperate here but_

_COME BACK!!!!! <333_

Elias laughs and barely resists calling Eskild. But that would mean talking through the night and he’d really like to get some sleep; considering the weight that was lifted off his shoulders, he thinks there’s a pretty good chance of sleeping well.

_date on wednesday and if it goes well i might end up in your bed again? ;)_

He likes that he can be so bold with Eskild and still show his vulnerable side. He’s never had that before and it’s so liberating.

It takes a moment longer for Eskild to reply this time but then his phone pings and the screen lights up. Except when he goes to open the message, it’s not Eskild’s reply. Instead, Elias got a notification for a text from his brother.

Apparently, the lecture Sana gave him did _something_. Elias isn’t sure if he wants to know if it’s something positive or negative. He’s not even sure there _is_ a positive with Nasir.

He opens the message anyway.

_I didn’t think you had the balls to do something like that. You have my respect, brother._

Elias stares dumbfounded at the text and then he can’t help but burst into laughter. Their relationship is irrevocably damaged from years and years of resentment but it looks like coming out has earned Elias Nasir’s respect somehow and he shouldn’t care so much for that but there’s nothing that can change the fact that Elias feels this way. And maybe that’s okay.

He hasn’t figured out his future yet and he’s unsure of what that means but he’s figured out himself in the past few weeks and fixed at least some parts of his life and he thinks that’s really fucking okay.

Elias is okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand it's over.  
> (This time for real.)
> 
> What a wild ride. When I started this story, I never thought I'd end up at 30k words... but Elias had so much to say and honestly, it's the hardest thing to let go of him and Eskild.  
> ...  
> which is why I probably won't lmao  
> I'm aware that I left some things about Eskild unanswered in this fic and tbh even I don't know everything about him yet. But I'd love to explore his character some more. I have an outline for Eskild's story... it will include a little less Elias than Elias' story included Eskild but I think I'd really like to write about Eskild and the kollektiv so we'll see if I can actually do it.  
> I'm participating in the SKAM Big Bang (https://skambigbang.tumblr.com/) which I'm honestly so excited for so I don't know how much or if I even will have time for writing Eskild's story right now buuuut.. it will be coming at some point.
> 
> Thank you again for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! <3


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